Coping VS Victory

 


   Hi everyone!
So, this post is actually going to be very hard for me to write. It's a subject very close to my heart and I've been reading about it and praying about it for a while now. Why it is hard is because in order to write this, I have to be transparent, and the forbidden "V" word....yes, vulnerable.

  This post is about coping/victory. Most people know what it means to cope with something. I had not ever heard of "coping" before I started on my journey to recovery. Yes, you read right. I said recovery. Some of you know my story, but as for those who don't, allow me to (while arguing with The Lord about doing this because I'm nervous) tell you.

  I struggle with an Eating Disorder, cutting and a Mental illness.... Now, I'm not writing this so that I can either get people's sympathy or praise. I'm writing this so I can share what I've learned through Christ and hopefully show someone who might be struggling as well that it is possible. 

   

  I was a competitive gymnast for 11 years and was very serious in it. I started at 4 and from then on it was pretty much all my life consisted of (averaging about 20 hours of practice a week when I got older). It was my life, my passion. I grew up in a Christian home with great parents but never really understood who God was. By the time I wanted to, I was so deep into living a life of sin, I justified all that happened.

    I was 11 the first time I cut, if I recall correctly. It wasn't often, but over the course of the past 5 or 6 years, it escalated to every day, multiple times a day, all over my body. At 12, I was telling myself I needed to lose weight, was fat, always pinching at my skin and observing my body in the mirror. By the time I was 13, I was full blown sucked into Anorexia Nervosa. Again, it progressed to get this bad over the past several years, not just started that way. I spent my life focusing on food; how I could hide it, flush it, throw it away, hide it up my sleeves, pants, or in my hair. I was exhausted all the time, dizzy, and looked like I was walking dead by the time I started getting help. I also started exercising obsessively. I would come home from 4 hours of practice and spend several more hours exercising at home until I literally could not any more. In the Psych field this is known as Anorexia Athletica. I was very, very deceptive and hid all of this from my parents and the majority of my friends. I was severely suicidal as well and struggled with major anxiety.
 Reading old journals and thinking back, I was about 9 the first time I remember begging God to let me die. At 15, I broke my back in gymnastics due to malnutrition. This was after being prone to pulling muscles, breaking other bones and hiding in the bathroom throwing up and feeling like I was going to pass out. I tried to stay in gymnastics, but my mom still didn't know I wasn't eating and wasn't healthy, so I also continued starving myself. Which made it where my body couldn't heal itself and I had to quit. I was devastated. To this day, I hate it, miss it and would go back in a heart beat if given the chance.

  My mom started noticing a little bit what I was doing and did what any mother should and watched me closer and tried to make sure I was doing what I should and not cutting. Mean while, I got more deceptive and secretive. In November of 2012, I went to a Christian Retreat by the name of Vida Nueva. Long story short, I should have died in a bathroom on that campus, due to the fact that I had cut vertically and was also deeper into the Disorder than ever before..but instead, I got caught by Wendi Hall. That same week we met up with someone who is still, to this day, my best friend. Her name is Cathy Lang and I never expected to get as close to her family as I did. She and my mom both were trying to push me into recovery and I fought it even harder. 

  February 5, 2013 I was put into the Psych ward at Trinity Hospital. In summary, I hit my knees and face before the Lord. I ended up with a feeding tube as a wake up call and also a constant, physical reminder of the sin I was living in. After I left the hospital, I pretty much started living at the Lang's house. They took me in as one of their own for about 9 months.  I would have been put into a facility specifically made for this stuff, but we didn't have health insurance at the time and they pretty much turned their house into a facility for me. I was then put in a 3 week program designed to treat my illness. After that, I was seeing a psychologist and dietitian/nutritionist weekly, along with a psychiatrist. Now, at 17 years old (18 in October), with MAJOR help by the Lord and the support of my family and friends, I have gotten better and am far into my journey of recovery. I'm not recovered, but I will get there. I'm still in therapy and still struggle, but no longer require babysitters, a meal plan, or to be on suicide watch 24/7.

 
  Now, onto coping and victory. But what does my story have to do with it? Everything, actually. Without God, I would be 6 feet under. To recover from crap like that, I believe there are 3 things you need: Mental help, physical help, and above ALL else, Spiritual help. You need Jesus. None of the rest matters if you aren't doing it with God. You will fail miserably every single time if you aren't. Trust me, I learned the hard way and it SUUUUUCKS. Actually, it still sucks sometimes because I'm reaping the consequences of it!

  See, in therapy, you are taught to "cope" and "deal" with crap. Cope, cope, cope, cope. I've heard it more times than I care to admit. You are never once taught that there is victory through Christ Jesus. (But, my friends, let me encourage you....there is. There is complete and utter victory. I've seen it first hand in Cathy Lang.)

  Being in therapy consistently for the past year or so has been good but also bad. Good, in that it has taught me how to manage my illness and how to handle things in a better manner.. It has been bad, however, teaching me to look at my illnesses from such a worldly view point. It was drilled into my head that there is no way I can ever get completely better, that this is just my life and my brain, that I can't help it. After deep prayer, I do believe that mental illnesses and all of that do have physical repercussions, but I also believe the reason for mental illnesses, disorders, addictions, etc. is a result of sin. I don't believe I would have ever struggled with the things I did and do, if I was truly living my life for God. Don't get me wrong, I definitely thought I was living right. I justified and twisted scriptures to fit how I wanted to live and subdue a guilty mind and heart. I do think I needed the therapy that I've had and the professional help, but honestly, none of it helped at all until I committed to the Lord to get better no matter what.


  Moving on... So, not even a month ago, I went to Youth Camp with my church and while I was there, The Lord blessed me with the opportunity to get to know one of the worship leaders there. I met an amazing woman of Christ named Rebecca Waycaster. She and her band Heartcry (go check 'em out!) were all amazing. Anyways, I initially talked to Becca just to tell her that I loved her voice and watching her worship. Later in the week we ended up having a real conversation and she told me her story and ended up asking about me because she saw the scars on my arm. I was open and real with her. After talking with her for a while, she noticed that I talked about coping a lot and eventually cut me off and said, in paraphrase, "Stop talking about coping!! Enough! You don't need to cope. You can have complete freedom."

 I replied saying that I knew I could have freedom but it just wasn't for me right now, and that it would come in the Lord's timing but in the mean time, I just had to keep coping. She asked me then, if I had ever read the word "cope" in the Bible once, and asked if I had ever read about people in The Bible having to cope. Before I could answer she said "No! Because your savior is more powerful than that. By saying your only option is to cope, you are putting Him in a box and not believing that He has the power to heal you. No more talk about coping, Nichole. None. I don't want to hear you say that word again."

 
   I was definitely taken back but it did make me think and start praying about it. She was right. The Bible doesn't say the word "cope" once at all! So why was I so consumed with it? Why was my life all about coping with this crap? I'm forever thankful I got to meet Becca and will hopefully get to stay in contact with her even though she's traveling a lot. I can honestly say she had a part in changing my life.
Since coming home from camp, I've been studying all of this "coping" stuff more. I searched and searched in the Bible for scripture about coping and tried finding something including coping... I couldn't! Nothing. At first, I was really discouraged because I began to think "Does that mean this past year and everything I've done in my recovery for the Lord was a waste?" 

No! Of course not! Though I was still trying to recover using the worlds way, rather than God's, my focus has been to recover with the power of God and for God. I wrote a short sermon for Fine Arts in 2013 that was about Victory and I went back and read it and started studying more on victory as well.  What does it mean to cope? And what does it mean to have actual victory?

~This applies to those who aren't currently struggling with anything too, by the way, because the Bible promises you will have struggles. So keep reading. It is better to prepare yourself, instead of repair yourself.
Jesus says in John 16:33- "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (NIV)~


  Let me start with the definition of "coping": to struggle or deal; wrestle; strive; persevere; seeking to master.
Coping is almost kind of like something to do, to help just a little while you aren't free yet. To struggle through, pretty much. It is to wait. Well, Scripture talks about waiting, right? Indeed, it does.

  Isaiah 40:31(NIV)  says
"But those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint."
Hope is the belief that something can change; hoping, waiting, if you will, for the Lord!

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (NIV)


1 Peter 5:6&7 says "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

In DUE time. Meaning, in The Lord's timing, not mine.
Then James 1:12 talks about how the one who perseveres is blessed and how that person will win victory.
"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." (NIV)
  2 Corinthians 4:17 talks about our struggles and afflictions being temporary and for just a moment but the eternal glory we will receive outweighs it. It says "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;" (KJV)

Psalms 37: 7-9 says "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth." (KJV)

Isaiah 33:2 "O Lord, be gracious unto us; we have waited for thee: be thou their arm every morning, our salvation also in the time of trouble." In Habakkuk 1, Habakkuk is calling out to the Lord saying "How long do I have to wait and call out?" and Jesus answers in chapter 2 saying
 "Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets, so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." (vs 3 NIV) Okay, so how is it wrong to wait on the Lord and to struggle? The Bible tells us to wait and that we will struggle! I was so confused when I was studying this and was just questioning everything I had learned up to this point so I just continued pouring myself into scripture and praying about it and this is the conclusion I came to.
    There are different ways to wait. You can act while you wait. There's a balance between waiting on The Lord and waiting on the Lord while you work for The Lord! So how do I do that?

Well, John 5:39 says "Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me."  (KJV)
Study The Bible. Search out in Jesus what you need. The word testifies of God, himself. To diligently study scripture is a way to act while you wait.  But how?

2 Timothy 3:16a says "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,"
and
1 Corinthians 2:13a says "This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words.."
If you are in the Word, you will be taught and be trained. He teaches you! See,

John 1:1 says "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." (NIV)
And it also says
  "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." -Hebrews 4:12 (NIV)
and
  "Is not my word like fire,” declares the Lord, “and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?" -Jeremiah 23:29 (NIV)

  So God is the Word and the Word is God, which means that according to those verses God is alive and active; God penetrates your very heart, but not only that, He does it like fire! And I don't know if you've ever played with fire, but in my personal experience, fire spreads and engulfs things very, very fast.

Then, Psalms 46:1 says "God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble." (NIV)
And Leviticus 26:9 says He "will look on you with favor and make you fruitful and increase your numbers, and I will keep my covenant with you." (NIV)
Along with
2 Peter 3:9 saying that The Lord is not slow to fulfill the promises He's made us. What promises you ask?
 
  Well, Psalms 25:9 says "He guides the humble in what is right
    and teaches them his way." (NIV)
-  2 Peter 1:4 "Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." (NIV)
-  Matthew 11:28-29 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." (KJV)
-  Philippians 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."


   When I was studying this I was like, "Okay, Lord, thank you. That's all great and good but why am I not receiving these promises?" And I felt like God was saying to me,
  "Nichole, fire engulfs what is in it's path. Get in My fire, get in My way, walk into My fire. I can't consume you if you won't come to Me."

And immediately I remembered the verse I just wrote up there in Matthew. Jesus says "Come to me!" You have to go to Him! So I dug further in and found this:

In Isaiah 33 they were praying to God in verse 2, crying, "O Lord, be gracious unto us; we have waited for thee: be thou their arm every morning, our salvation also in the time of trouble." (KJV) Then in Isaiah 51 we see this come to life in them! It says in verse 11,
  "Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away." (KJV)

  Psalms 37:5 "Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." (KJV)
  James 4:7 "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (NIV)
  Psalms 25:5 Davis was saying to the Lord "Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." and again He is talking to the Lord saying in 119:11  "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee." (KJV)
The word says in Isaiah 55:11 says that His word will not come back empty or void. Which is a promise. I've learned if the Lord says it, it is a promise. He confirms that in Matthew 5: 37 saying "But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one." (NKJV)

Commit, submit, then watch The Lord act!

  See, 1 Corinthians 15: 54a &55 says
"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"
Meaning that our Victory is assured. It's finished. We already have it. Jesus even says on earth "It is finished" when he died on the cross for us, which is what won us the victory!
  So, that means Becca was right, we don't have to cope. We already have the victory! Not saying that you won't still struggle. I still struggle. I still have panic attacks regularly. I still get tempted to starve myself and be consumed with my body in weight. I still get triggered by small things and want to go into an episode. But the difference is now, I act while I wait on the Lord. I'm learning to not cope.
   See, Psalms 145:14 says "The LORD upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down." So, yes I'm going to fall, but He still holds and catches me. If I humble myself, he lifts me up. In paraphrase Proverbs 24:16a says that the righteous will fall 7 times, but they also stand up 8.
I have to forget the past and strain forward like Paul says in Philippians 3. He says, I can't say I've taken hold of it completely, but I can say that I'm pressing on. I can say I've won the victory.

When I'm tempted to say that I will never get through all this crap and I will always be mentally crazy, I remember that Psalms 108:13a says "With God we will gain the victory..."
and I remember that Romans 8:37 says that we are MORE than conquerors. That in Revelations 21:6-7 The Lord says "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children."
I am a child of The King, therefore I inherit victory.
Victory means to have complete success and triumph in a battle or war.
And because I have the victory, I can rejoice always, like 1 Thessalonians 5:16 says to! My spirit can rejoice in The Lord just like in Luke 1.
  I'm still in a war and battle, but I know with my Lord, I have the victory.
I am not my illness. I am the victor.

           Now, I'm a warrior!