Getting Down and Dirty With the Naked and Exposed

 

    So, in this post, I want to talk about how we serve a God who gets low and gets dirty.  I pray this post will encourage those who are maybe trying to help a loved one out with something and also will encourage those who are currently struggling with something or are going to....which means everyone . ;)

  First, let's talk about sickness.
In Mark 2:17 Jesus says, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (NIV)

 I wanted to begin with this Scripture because it is so encouraging to know that Jesus didn't come for the people who think they have it all together. He came for the ones who are sick. The needy. The poor. The sinners.
I believe sin is like a sickness and that all sickness is a result of sin, and I will explain why later, but with that in mind.....

     A couple months ago, I was talking to someone I love dearly about my past and current struggles.  She ended up telling me that she knew someone who was struggling with some of the same stuff that I have (and still do) and asked me how she should walk through it with her. I desperately wanted to have an answer, because Eating Disorders and self harm are hard things to deal with. But I couldn't answer it. To answer it would be to be open about how much it SUCKS to try to recover, not only for the one trying to recover, but the one trying to support the one in recovery. It's still a raw area for me to think about because it seems like it was all just yesterday, and while I will be and am open about it, it still makes me extremely nervous and is hard. It's like irritating a wound that hasn't healed completely yet.


  I have been praying about the answer to this since she asked me a while back and the first thing you have to know if you are going to try to help someone is:
  1. You can not help them. Only God can.
  Recovery from anything is impossible without the Lord. It won't happen. Ever. You can lead them to The Healer of the sick, but you yourself can do absolutely nothing. You can walk it with them, but you can't make them walk.
(I know I've said this before and I will probably say it 57035827064839587345 more times so get use to it.)
  

    Thinking back on my personal journey and the first several, several longgggggg months of my recovery, it was the hardest thing I have been through and I'm sure the hardest thing some of the people around me had been through as well. If you truly want to help someone, you are going to have to get down in the dirt with them. You're going to get messed up. You're going to get hurt and it isn't fun. You're going to doubt whether it is worth it and whether or not anything you are doing is really even doing anything at all. I don't say this to discourage anyone and to say to avoid people with problems like they are a plague; not at all. I do want people to know how hard it will be though, but that it is SO worth it.

  Okay, but why do you have to get dirty too?
Before the sickness can be healed, you have to realize there is a sickness, which is an extremely hard process for some, as it was for me. You have to dig into the problems; the messy stuff; the results of the sickness. Since my dear friend asked me that, I have been incessantly asking God what "qualified" as sick. So, I started digging into The Word to see what the Bible said was sickness and trying to study what the word itself meant. 
  The word "sick" derives from the Greek word "sickhos" which means sick; unwell; weak; or detestable.
The word detestable stood out to me the most when I read this, because if we really take that seriously and look into what the Lord says is detestable and therefore makes us sick, we are all sick. But also because the word detestable can mean dirty, abominable, ignoble, mean, nasty, wretched, and the list goes on.

  Thinking back all the way to the beginning of the world though, when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, the human race was free of sickness and sin. It wasn't until they sinned by disobeying the Lord that sin and sickness entered the world (Romans 5:12)
  In Deuteronomy 28:58-61 it says that if they don't follow His Law and revere the name of the Lord, He would send plagues, lingering illnesses, disease and "every kind of sickness" (NIV)
   Sin and sickness are closely associated in the New Testament, as well.   
    For example, let's talk about the man who was paralyzed in John 5. But when you are reading this, really think about the details of what this sickness meant and required.

  It says that this man had been an invalid for 38 years.... For 38 years he couldn't do anything for himself. That means he either just didn't bathe, or someone had to bathe him because he couldn't do it himself. That's not fun or clean or easy for either scenario. 

  Now, back in Mark 2:1-12 they are telling the same story, but they tell it in just a little bit of a different way. In verse 4, it says that there were four men who came and picked up the man who was paralyzed to bring him to Jesus. So, they've already realized he is sick, needs healing, and have had to deal with it for almost 40 years now.
  Now in order to get him to The Healer, they have to pick him up on a mat. But that mat is on the ground, in the dirt, and probably covered in dirt as well. It could have been covered in bugs and stuff if he wasn't clean or it could be muddy if it had rained prior. He was probably pretty heavy too.  So, they're carrying this man, holding him on a little mat, and in verse 4 it says when they get there, there are so many people, they can't even get to Jesus.  So they get on the roof.. (Umm, how?) and then proceed to dig through the roof so they can lower the man down.  (And they didn't drop him to plummet to his death.. again, um, how?)
  Then verse 5, "When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, 'Son, your sins are forgiven." And some of the teachers around called blasphemy and were asking who could forgive sins but God alone, to which, Jesus replied in verses 9 and 11-12a
  "Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’?  So he said to the man, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all." (NIV)

  So, the moment that Jesus forgave this mans sin, is when he was healed. I feel like in those verses He is saying "It's easier to say 'you are forgiven' than to tell him to get up and take his mat and go home, because they are the same thing." Jesus didn't focus on the fact that this man was paralyzed. He immediately moved to forgiving His sins. To heal the sin, is to heal the sickness.
 
Now, going back to John 5, where again it is the same story, just written in different words. After he was healed verse 14 says,
"Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, 'See you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.'" (NIV)
  So, once again Jesus is saying your sin is causing the sickness, so cut it out, yo. 
And though this is sufficient enough evidence to prove that with sin comes sickness, but if it is not for you, here is another example:

Numbers 12 presents a story, which brings God's people a very solemn warning. Miriam, Moses’ sister, a prophetess and one who had been greatly blessed of the Lord, became prideful, and was speaking against (criticizing) Moses. (verse 8). God heard her evil speaking, and "the anger of the Lord was kindled" against Miriam and Aaron, her brother, who had entered with her into the criticism against Moses. At which point, Miriam became severely leprous, and would have remained so had not Moses prayed for her deliverance. Also meaning that Miriam would never have needed healing had she not sinned.
  I think sin breaks down the protection that God has built around us, thus giving Satan access to afflict us.


 
   Moving on though.... I want to go into the 'getting dirty' part.  I've seen so many people with any sort of illness end up getting sicker and sicker due to the fact that people don't want to get dirty with them and really help. I've talked about these scriptures with other people before and heard, in response, the excuse, "Well, I'm not those people. Just because they did it doesn't mean I have to get dirty too. They aren't Jesus." I being guilty of wanting to use that same excuse, too.
But in studying this, I've found that Jesus gets down and dirty with the sick as well!
 
  Let's read some of John 8:
"But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.  At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them.  The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group  and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him." (vs. 1-6a NIV)
   Now, I'm going to use some of the King James version for this next part, but first I want to say that in KJV verse 4 says "this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act."
 Which tells us that they literally took this woman, while she was still naked, to the temple to see if they could stone her to death. So, the sun hasn't even fully risen yet, and this woman is on a mountain, naked, in a temple, in front of Jesus Himself. Woah. But not only that, she probably felt like all her emotions were exposed. And I know spiritually she had to feel naked and exposed because her sin was just right there in front of the Son of Man.
But I love this next part, verses 6b-9 say,
  
   "But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.  So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, 'He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.'  And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.  And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst." (KJV)

  I absolutely love this version because it says that Jesus stooped down. He got down in the dirt and began writing in the dirt with his finger, to protect a woman who was sick in sin. Twice. 
Then, after all of the other people left ,Jesus told her in verse 11, "Go, and sin no more."
  And this is so encouraging to know when you are that one, standing naked in every way, with everything seen before The Lord and other people.... He doesn't condemn you or let others condemn you. He gets down and he gets dirty to help you. He doesn't stand on a platform looking down upon you because you've messed up. He gets down lower than you. Then He tells you to go and not to sin anymore.
  And to the ones not knowing what to do to help, just do that. Get down and dirty to help them get out of their sins. Lead them to the Lord. Not everyone responds the same way so it will look different and be new territory sometimes but that's where building your own faith comes in hand.

  Again, back to when I was really sick, I definitely had people who got dirty to help me when I was standing naked and exposed before the Lord. I was disgusting a lot of times and they had to get in the midst of that with me. (Actually, I still do have those people to do that for me, and still am brought to my knees, exposed before God.)
    
  There's one time that I remember specifically, I was still living with the Lang family and I had cut while I was there and ended up getting caught. Cathy wanted to see what I had done, so she made me unwrap my arm from all the bandages I had on there and stuff. But in doing that, it started bleeding again. She was upset, obviously because I had harmed myself badly yet again, but she wasn't mad. She then got me some more bandages and gauze and whatever else to wrap it back up with. She sat there, lovingly, and helped me clean up the mess and blood from my self inflicted wounds. It was nasty. It was painful. It was messy. It was detestable. For both of us. I'm weeping as I type this, thinking about it because I know how hard that must have been for her.
  Or thinking about my precious mother who would check my body, daily, to see if I had new scars. The heart break in her eyes if I had, or even if I hadn't, but just because it was humiliating for both of us, makes me want to cry every time I am humbly reminded of this. Or when she would have to check up my sleeves for food I had hidden. Or when either of them would just hold me while I cried until I was sick.

  There are countless times that so many people around me got utterly crushed because they were helping me and I wouldn't be alive right now if they hadn't. As much as it hurts to think about and as much as I want to apologize to each and every person whom has supported me, I'm so thankful that they were an example of how I have a Savior that stoops down for me. I still have people, to this day, that continue to show me that and I wouldn't be where I am without them.
So, I leave you with this thought:

     Sometimes, getting dirty and being broken are the ways that we finally enable God to cleanse us and those around us.

Why You Can't Do It

 
    Hi!


  So we are going to start this off with things that piss. me. off. 
Hardcore.  Things that people say to encourage you, but are a complete and utter lie. Affirmations that are empty. Here are some of them:


"You can do this!"
"You got this! It's okay."
"You can do it yourself."
"You are so strong!"
"Believe in yourself!"
"You can do all things!"
And the one that pisses me off more than all the rest:


          "God won't give you more than you can handle."






  I've been thinking about this for a long time now and I was at a loss because everyone says this crap. I couldn't figure out why I would hear this stuff and instead of it encouraging me as the people had intended for it to, it would make me angry. It made me feel worse. It would make me think they were lying to my face.
And it is because they were.


  I can not do this. You can not do this. I don't have it. You don't have it. I can not do it on my own. You can not do it on your own. I can not believe in myself. You can not believe in yourself. I can not do anything. You can not do anything.
  And God most certainly WILL give you more than you can handle.


  Now, before you get your granny panties all up in a twist, hear me out;
Hear the Scripture out.


 I know people (myself included) mean well when they say this crap, but when we do say this stuff, we obliterate many, many Bible verses that tell us that as humans, we can do nothing. We are nothing.
We diminish the role that God plays in our very breath and being.


 Obviously, I'm not saying that we can't do anything at all because clearly we are, in that we live out our lives everyday. But what I am saying is that without God, we can not. Whatever it is, we can not.
If we could do everything, we would have no need for God at all.
  A lot of people, when you are going through hardships, will quote the verse, Philippians 4:13- "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength."
Which is true, but we say it without giving full attention where it is due. We pick up from this verse that we can do all things. We discredit that it is only through Christ that we can. (I believe I've touched on this subject in another post too, but it's important so here we are.)


  Again, myself included, we all do this. We tend to believe we can live self-sufficient, rather than Christ-sufficient.
        BUT...


  John 15:5, Jesus tells us, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (NIV)
  Matthew 19:26 -"With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." (NIV)
  Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." (NIV)
 These scriptures, yes, tell us that we will bear fruit, that we can complete impossible tasks, and that we are saved, but they also tell us that without God, we can't do squat.


~Side note, the word "squat" makes me giggle.~


Moving on,
   We know Genesis says God created us, Heaven, earth and life itself, but not only that, we have John 14:6 where Jesus tells us that He IS life.
"I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (KJV)
   How could we be so foolish to think that we can do anything without our Creator? How dare we think we can do anything without Life, Himself?
 
We can't depend on ourselves, or 'believe in ourselves' enough to be saved, which is exactly what you read with Ephesians 2:8-9; it is by the grace of God, only.
 We aren't strong. Paul even says in 2 Corinthians 12 that it is through our weakness that the Lord is strong and His power rests on us.
"And He said to me: 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
  See, if we were strong enough, there would be no need for the perfect power of Christ to be with us.
 


       Now, back to the statement that pisses me off the most...
"God won't give you more than you can handle."


  I full heartedly believe He will. As I said earlier, if we had everything all figured out, we wouldn't need Him. If the tasks He gave us were possible merely by human strength, we wouldn't call to God to help, but Colossians 3:23 tells us to do everything we do for the Lord. So, a task that is not impossible without God is a pointless task.
I think we have the tendency to read verses like 1st Corinthians 10:13 that says,
"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." (KJV)
  And we either think that we will simply not struggle, or if we do struggle, it won't be more than we can handle on our own. But the verse tells us we will struggle with wanting to sin. We will desire to do it, but God is the one who provides the method of escape and strength to do so.






  When I was living with the Lang family, there were frequent times when I would be sitting in front of a plate of food, or having the urge to self harm and sobbing, "I can't do it! I can't do it!!" and Cathy would just try to encourage me in The Lord and help me through it, but I just couldn't.


  Then one day, that I still remember so vividly, I was having a literal break down because Cathy had told me to go take a shower. I was so engulfed into Depression and wanting to die, that the simple thought of getting off the couch to shower, was way too much to handle. I laid on that couch for hours just weeping and crying that I couldn't do it. I couldn't take a shower.
I couldn't live. I just couldn't.
  Zach, Cathy's husband ended up coming over to me and sitting down, which scared me itself because I knew he was going to tell me to get up... and through tears, I cried once again, "I can't do it!!!"
He then took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes in such a loving and gentle way and said,
 "You are completely right, Nichole, you can't do it. You can't. YOU can not do it."
  It was one of the most real things I had ever heard. When Zach said that to me, I think it was the first time that I really understood that I had a desperate need for God and that's exactly what he told me. To this day, I find myself saying that I can't do something and I'm reminded just how right I am. I need the Lord in such a way that my very life depends on Him.
  And that's not a bad thing. It is actually extremely encouraging to know that not only am I not strong enough, but I don't have to be strong enough.
 I'm not self-sufficient and that is perfectly okay. I am weak and it is a good thing. I can not do it and because I can not, my God steps in.


  When we try to live as though we can do it on our own, we give the devil more power. We give him room to show us just how right we are but without showing us that we have The Rescuer.
  When we try to be self-sufficient, we destroy the chances of letting our Savior be who He is and do exactly what He does: save
  Let Him save you! Rejoice in your weakness!
 
Mark 2:17 says "Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
  We are all sinners and we all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) so be encouraged in that He came for you! To be your strength; to help you accomplish everything, even the impossible. Embrace that God gives you too much to handle, and rely on Him!



  See, impossibilities become impossible when you serve the God of the Impossible. His grace is sufficient; His strength is enough. We are weak and that's a good thing.

Warfare as a Warrior

 


              Hi guys! Well, I haven't written in about 3 months...
 
  To be honest, I've been struggling and I was afraid to share the wretched part of my Warrior journey.   I had been praying about a topic for my next post, but every time I thought of anything, I argued with the Lord saying, "But Lord, I'm not much of a warrior right now, I can't post that." And in my quiet time recently, I could not stop asking myself and God this following question:


  What does it mean to even be a Warrior?  How can I be the best warrior I can be, if I don't know what comes with being a warrior.


    I started studying the meaning of "warrior". The definition of warrior is "A person engaged in warfare; soldier; some one of valor, strength, courage. I read this over and over and one word seemed to stick out to me.


                                          Warfare.
 
  So I started looking up Scripture talking about warfare.
  - 2 Corinthians 10:4 says "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds." (KJV)
Ephesians 6:12 confirms that, as well, telling us that what we fight against is not of flesh and blood; but against spiritual wickedness.
  To me, these verses are saying that our weapons that we use in spiritual warfare, are not physical weapons. The weapons we use are through God only. But what spiritual weapons do we use then?


  In 1st Timothy 1 verse 18, Timothy is being charged to "war a good warfare." Verse 19 then says "Holding faith and a good conscience..." (KJV)
  Then Hebrews 4:12 says "For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
Philippians 4:6&7 tells us to be in prayer and thanksgiving.
In Matthew 24 Jesus is talking about the things that will happen and warning the disciples but tells them in verse 13 that the one who endures to the end will be saved.
Romans 12:2 tells us not to be conformed to the world, but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. In the world, but not of it.




  After studying this, I was immediately convicted and I knew exactly why I had been struggling. I wasn't in The Word nearly as much as I should have been. I lost faith that His Word is sharper and quicker than anything I could do. I quickly remembered the day I stopped being consistent in my daily devotions and quiet time with The Lord. I hurt my knee at work a couple months back and had to go to the doctor to make sure I hadn't torn something and wouldn't have to have surgery again. I was so angry that I had gotten hurt, that when I got to the doctor and they went to weigh me, I stepped on the scale forward (I normally get on backwards) and looked at the numbers.


  It was a huge trigger. I was in an awful mood the rest of the day and have been struggling with my weight, body image, and the temptation to starve and relapse ever since. I knew I shouldn't have looked. I felt the Lord prick me as soon as I stepped on. My mom even said "Nichole, why don't you step on backwards?" To which, in my rebellious spirit, I said no.




  I let my anger control me instead of resisting the temptation to look at my weight and stay in surrender to the Lord with my Eating Disorder. I stayed angry for a while too. Instead of captivating my thoughts into the obedience of Christ like 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells me to, when I was tempted. I stopped delving into the Word of God as much; I sat there and let the devil attack me. I stopped reading my Bible every day. I stopped praying every free chance I got. I stopped studying the many things that I had been learning. 
  Don't get me wrong, I didn't quit altogether. I just wasn't walking as close to Him as I should have been. I still read and stuff, but not as much as I have been personally convicted to in order to combat the devil's schemes.




  Now, back up to 1 Timothy. Starting in verse 3 and 4, it says:
"As I urged you when I went into Macedonia, stay there in Ephesus so that you may command certain people not to teach false doctrines any longer, or to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies. Such things promote controversial speculations rather than advancing God's work- which is by faith."


  So first we see that false teaching and by believing lies/myths that we are only promoting controversy, and pretty much hindering God's work, which is what I was doing by letting the numbers on that scale control me. Which sounded really harsh to me at first, but listen to verse 5:
"The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith."
Then verse 6 and 7 are saying that some have turned away and turned to meaningless talk; that they want to teach, but don't even know what they are talking about.
After I read this, I was thinking "Okay, Lord are you trying to say you love me or that I'm just stupid and don't know what I'm talking about?"


Skipping down to verse 9 and 10b it says "We know that the law is made not for the righteous but for law breakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious...and for whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine..."
Who? Me? Never. Only sometimes...Okay, maybe a little more than sometimes... Okay, fine. More than sometimes. But only always!


So though it was humbling to me to have to admit that even in this stage of wanting to grow and become more Christ like, I'm still a law breaker; I'm still rebellious, sinful and everything else it says. I read this and was tempted to beat myself up at first, but I stopped and thought, "Wait a minute, that means this is for me. The encouragement is for me. I need this!"
  Even though the devil tries to tempt us to read the Word of God and beat ourselves up with it, we can take it and beat him over the head with it. Thank you, Satan, for reminding me again of why I have such a desperate need for my Savior, Jesus.


  Moving on, through verse 11, it says the law is also "for whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed god, which he entrusted to me."
Throughout verses 12-14 Paul was saying how he was once a blasphemer, violent man, acted in ignorance and unbelief but even still the grace of The Lord was poured out on Him abundantly, as well as faith and love.


  In verse 15 He says "here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst." (But as Levi the poet says, "I swear sometimes I think I've got that guy beat.")
He goes on to say that Jesus displays immense patience and mercy for example to those that will receive eternal life, then thanks Him.




  Now, back up to the verse I used earlier in 1 Timothy 1:18-19 telling Timothy to hold faith and a good conscience, but Paul says, "...which some have put away concerning faith have made shipwreck." (KJV)
 The NIV version of this says
"Holding onto to faith and a good conscience, which some have rejected and so have suffered ship with regard to the faith." WOAH!
  This hit me like a ton of bricks in the face. It was confirmation for me. Of course the reason I was struggling was because I rejected The Lord's convictions and let go of some of my faith. It said it right there.


  So does that mean I am no longer the warrior I feel so called to be?
Part of the definition of a warrior is someone who is engaged in warfare.
To be engaged in something is to be fully involved in an activity; it is to occupy the attention or efforts of a person. I was still involved in the warfare, but I wasn't giving it my full attention. I wasn't focused. I wasn't fully engaged.


Colossians 3:2 says "Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth."
Matthew 6:33a says "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness..."
Proverbs 4:25 says "Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee."
(All KJV)


  Those verses don't say you only have to do that sometimes, or just a little bit. No, they are full on commands, and require full on commitment and full engagement.


  But how do we know that following these commands will even help?
Well, Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." (NIV)
And Hebrews 11:6 says "But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him" (KJV)
James 1:21 says "Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls." (KJV)


God promises help when we commit ourselves to Him. He even tells us in His word that He seeks out those who are fully committed to Him.
-2 Chronicles 16:9a NIV "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."
 What I find extremely interesting about this verse too, is that the very next part of it says "You have done a foolish thing, and from now on you will be at war."
  I was so foolish and blind. If I had read like I should have been I would have seen this. I had the answers right in front of my face and refused to accept it. Before my rebelliousness, I had been studying the Chronicles and I was in the 2nd Chronicles when I stopped reading consistently. 
 (Coincidence? I think not. Haha, I'll learn one of these days!)




  So, now I am trying my hardest to get back on track. I asked my mom recently to get some of my old Meal Plans back out and I copied them and am trying to get back into healthy eating patterns and thoughts.
The meal plan is a personal accountability thing for me, and I have been so ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone know. I have been so prideful, and haven't been staying on top of it because I didn't want anyone to see that I was struggling.
I didn't want people to know that there was still a wretched part of me. But that's why the Lord convicted me to start this blog in the first place. I am still wretched. But I am now engaged back into warfare.


  I've also decided that even though it is getting colder, I will not allow myself to wear long sleeves constantly this winter. During this time of struggle, the devil has tempted me so much with, "It's time for long sleeves...that means you can cut and hide it!" But I refuse to break the 7 months clean the Lord has gotten me through. I also plan on asking my mom and other mentors/friends for additional accountability. Writing this in general knowing some people might read this is also more accountability.


  So even though I have to say I am wretched; through Christ, I can say that


                                     Now, I'm a warrior.

Coping VS Victory

 


   Hi everyone!
So, this post is actually going to be very hard for me to write. It's a subject very close to my heart and I've been reading about it and praying about it for a while now. Why it is hard is because in order to write this, I have to be transparent, and the forbidden "V" word....yes, vulnerable.

  This post is about coping/victory. Most people know what it means to cope with something. I had not ever heard of "coping" before I started on my journey to recovery. Yes, you read right. I said recovery. Some of you know my story, but as for those who don't, allow me to (while arguing with The Lord about doing this because I'm nervous) tell you.

  I struggle with an Eating Disorder, cutting and a Mental illness.... Now, I'm not writing this so that I can either get people's sympathy or praise. I'm writing this so I can share what I've learned through Christ and hopefully show someone who might be struggling as well that it is possible. 

   

  I was a competitive gymnast for 11 years and was very serious in it. I started at 4 and from then on it was pretty much all my life consisted of (averaging about 20 hours of practice a week when I got older). It was my life, my passion. I grew up in a Christian home with great parents but never really understood who God was. By the time I wanted to, I was so deep into living a life of sin, I justified all that happened.

    I was 11 the first time I cut, if I recall correctly. It wasn't often, but over the course of the past 5 or 6 years, it escalated to every day, multiple times a day, all over my body. At 12, I was telling myself I needed to lose weight, was fat, always pinching at my skin and observing my body in the mirror. By the time I was 13, I was full blown sucked into Anorexia Nervosa. Again, it progressed to get this bad over the past several years, not just started that way. I spent my life focusing on food; how I could hide it, flush it, throw it away, hide it up my sleeves, pants, or in my hair. I was exhausted all the time, dizzy, and looked like I was walking dead by the time I started getting help. I also started exercising obsessively. I would come home from 4 hours of practice and spend several more hours exercising at home until I literally could not any more. In the Psych field this is known as Anorexia Athletica. I was very, very deceptive and hid all of this from my parents and the majority of my friends. I was severely suicidal as well and struggled with major anxiety.
 Reading old journals and thinking back, I was about 9 the first time I remember begging God to let me die. At 15, I broke my back in gymnastics due to malnutrition. This was after being prone to pulling muscles, breaking other bones and hiding in the bathroom throwing up and feeling like I was going to pass out. I tried to stay in gymnastics, but my mom still didn't know I wasn't eating and wasn't healthy, so I also continued starving myself. Which made it where my body couldn't heal itself and I had to quit. I was devastated. To this day, I hate it, miss it and would go back in a heart beat if given the chance.

  My mom started noticing a little bit what I was doing and did what any mother should and watched me closer and tried to make sure I was doing what I should and not cutting. Mean while, I got more deceptive and secretive. In November of 2012, I went to a Christian Retreat by the name of Vida Nueva. Long story short, I should have died in a bathroom on that campus, due to the fact that I had cut vertically and was also deeper into the Disorder than ever before..but instead, I got caught by Wendi Hall. That same week we met up with someone who is still, to this day, my best friend. Her name is Cathy Lang and I never expected to get as close to her family as I did. She and my mom both were trying to push me into recovery and I fought it even harder. 

  February 5, 2013 I was put into the Psych ward at Trinity Hospital. In summary, I hit my knees and face before the Lord. I ended up with a feeding tube as a wake up call and also a constant, physical reminder of the sin I was living in. After I left the hospital, I pretty much started living at the Lang's house. They took me in as one of their own for about 9 months.  I would have been put into a facility specifically made for this stuff, but we didn't have health insurance at the time and they pretty much turned their house into a facility for me. I was then put in a 3 week program designed to treat my illness. After that, I was seeing a psychologist and dietitian/nutritionist weekly, along with a psychiatrist. Now, at 17 years old (18 in October), with MAJOR help by the Lord and the support of my family and friends, I have gotten better and am far into my journey of recovery. I'm not recovered, but I will get there. I'm still in therapy and still struggle, but no longer require babysitters, a meal plan, or to be on suicide watch 24/7.

 
  Now, onto coping and victory. But what does my story have to do with it? Everything, actually. Without God, I would be 6 feet under. To recover from crap like that, I believe there are 3 things you need: Mental help, physical help, and above ALL else, Spiritual help. You need Jesus. None of the rest matters if you aren't doing it with God. You will fail miserably every single time if you aren't. Trust me, I learned the hard way and it SUUUUUCKS. Actually, it still sucks sometimes because I'm reaping the consequences of it!

  See, in therapy, you are taught to "cope" and "deal" with crap. Cope, cope, cope, cope. I've heard it more times than I care to admit. You are never once taught that there is victory through Christ Jesus. (But, my friends, let me encourage you....there is. There is complete and utter victory. I've seen it first hand in Cathy Lang.)

  Being in therapy consistently for the past year or so has been good but also bad. Good, in that it has taught me how to manage my illness and how to handle things in a better manner.. It has been bad, however, teaching me to look at my illnesses from such a worldly view point. It was drilled into my head that there is no way I can ever get completely better, that this is just my life and my brain, that I can't help it. After deep prayer, I do believe that mental illnesses and all of that do have physical repercussions, but I also believe the reason for mental illnesses, disorders, addictions, etc. is a result of sin. I don't believe I would have ever struggled with the things I did and do, if I was truly living my life for God. Don't get me wrong, I definitely thought I was living right. I justified and twisted scriptures to fit how I wanted to live and subdue a guilty mind and heart. I do think I needed the therapy that I've had and the professional help, but honestly, none of it helped at all until I committed to the Lord to get better no matter what.


  Moving on... So, not even a month ago, I went to Youth Camp with my church and while I was there, The Lord blessed me with the opportunity to get to know one of the worship leaders there. I met an amazing woman of Christ named Rebecca Waycaster. She and her band Heartcry (go check 'em out!) were all amazing. Anyways, I initially talked to Becca just to tell her that I loved her voice and watching her worship. Later in the week we ended up having a real conversation and she told me her story and ended up asking about me because she saw the scars on my arm. I was open and real with her. After talking with her for a while, she noticed that I talked about coping a lot and eventually cut me off and said, in paraphrase, "Stop talking about coping!! Enough! You don't need to cope. You can have complete freedom."

 I replied saying that I knew I could have freedom but it just wasn't for me right now, and that it would come in the Lord's timing but in the mean time, I just had to keep coping. She asked me then, if I had ever read the word "cope" in the Bible once, and asked if I had ever read about people in The Bible having to cope. Before I could answer she said "No! Because your savior is more powerful than that. By saying your only option is to cope, you are putting Him in a box and not believing that He has the power to heal you. No more talk about coping, Nichole. None. I don't want to hear you say that word again."

 
   I was definitely taken back but it did make me think and start praying about it. She was right. The Bible doesn't say the word "cope" once at all! So why was I so consumed with it? Why was my life all about coping with this crap? I'm forever thankful I got to meet Becca and will hopefully get to stay in contact with her even though she's traveling a lot. I can honestly say she had a part in changing my life.
Since coming home from camp, I've been studying all of this "coping" stuff more. I searched and searched in the Bible for scripture about coping and tried finding something including coping... I couldn't! Nothing. At first, I was really discouraged because I began to think "Does that mean this past year and everything I've done in my recovery for the Lord was a waste?" 

No! Of course not! Though I was still trying to recover using the worlds way, rather than God's, my focus has been to recover with the power of God and for God. I wrote a short sermon for Fine Arts in 2013 that was about Victory and I went back and read it and started studying more on victory as well.  What does it mean to cope? And what does it mean to have actual victory?

~This applies to those who aren't currently struggling with anything too, by the way, because the Bible promises you will have struggles. So keep reading. It is better to prepare yourself, instead of repair yourself.
Jesus says in John 16:33- "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (NIV)~


  Let me start with the definition of "coping": to struggle or deal; wrestle; strive; persevere; seeking to master.
Coping is almost kind of like something to do, to help just a little while you aren't free yet. To struggle through, pretty much. It is to wait. Well, Scripture talks about waiting, right? Indeed, it does.

  Isaiah 40:31(NIV)  says
"But those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint."
Hope is the belief that something can change; hoping, waiting, if you will, for the Lord!

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (NIV)


1 Peter 5:6&7 says "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

In DUE time. Meaning, in The Lord's timing, not mine.
Then James 1:12 talks about how the one who perseveres is blessed and how that person will win victory.
"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." (NIV)
  2 Corinthians 4:17 talks about our struggles and afflictions being temporary and for just a moment but the eternal glory we will receive outweighs it. It says "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;" (KJV)

Psalms 37: 7-9 says "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth." (KJV)

Isaiah 33:2 "O Lord, be gracious unto us; we have waited for thee: be thou their arm every morning, our salvation also in the time of trouble." In Habakkuk 1, Habakkuk is calling out to the Lord saying "How long do I have to wait and call out?" and Jesus answers in chapter 2 saying
 "Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets, so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." (vs 3 NIV) Okay, so how is it wrong to wait on the Lord and to struggle? The Bible tells us to wait and that we will struggle! I was so confused when I was studying this and was just questioning everything I had learned up to this point so I just continued pouring myself into scripture and praying about it and this is the conclusion I came to.
    There are different ways to wait. You can act while you wait. There's a balance between waiting on The Lord and waiting on the Lord while you work for The Lord! So how do I do that?

Well, John 5:39 says "Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me."  (KJV)
Study The Bible. Search out in Jesus what you need. The word testifies of God, himself. To diligently study scripture is a way to act while you wait.  But how?

2 Timothy 3:16a says "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,"
and
1 Corinthians 2:13a says "This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words.."
If you are in the Word, you will be taught and be trained. He teaches you! See,

John 1:1 says "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." (NIV)
And it also says
  "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." -Hebrews 4:12 (NIV)
and
  "Is not my word like fire,” declares the Lord, “and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?" -Jeremiah 23:29 (NIV)

  So God is the Word and the Word is God, which means that according to those verses God is alive and active; God penetrates your very heart, but not only that, He does it like fire! And I don't know if you've ever played with fire, but in my personal experience, fire spreads and engulfs things very, very fast.

Then, Psalms 46:1 says "God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble." (NIV)
And Leviticus 26:9 says He "will look on you with favor and make you fruitful and increase your numbers, and I will keep my covenant with you." (NIV)
Along with
2 Peter 3:9 saying that The Lord is not slow to fulfill the promises He's made us. What promises you ask?
 
  Well, Psalms 25:9 says "He guides the humble in what is right
    and teaches them his way." (NIV)
-  2 Peter 1:4 "Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." (NIV)
-  Matthew 11:28-29 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." (KJV)
-  Philippians 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."


   When I was studying this I was like, "Okay, Lord, thank you. That's all great and good but why am I not receiving these promises?" And I felt like God was saying to me,
  "Nichole, fire engulfs what is in it's path. Get in My fire, get in My way, walk into My fire. I can't consume you if you won't come to Me."

And immediately I remembered the verse I just wrote up there in Matthew. Jesus says "Come to me!" You have to go to Him! So I dug further in and found this:

In Isaiah 33 they were praying to God in verse 2, crying, "O Lord, be gracious unto us; we have waited for thee: be thou their arm every morning, our salvation also in the time of trouble." (KJV) Then in Isaiah 51 we see this come to life in them! It says in verse 11,
  "Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away." (KJV)

  Psalms 37:5 "Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." (KJV)
  James 4:7 "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (NIV)
  Psalms 25:5 Davis was saying to the Lord "Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." and again He is talking to the Lord saying in 119:11  "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee." (KJV)
The word says in Isaiah 55:11 says that His word will not come back empty or void. Which is a promise. I've learned if the Lord says it, it is a promise. He confirms that in Matthew 5: 37 saying "But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one." (NKJV)

Commit, submit, then watch The Lord act!

  See, 1 Corinthians 15: 54a &55 says
"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"
Meaning that our Victory is assured. It's finished. We already have it. Jesus even says on earth "It is finished" when he died on the cross for us, which is what won us the victory!
  So, that means Becca was right, we don't have to cope. We already have the victory! Not saying that you won't still struggle. I still struggle. I still have panic attacks regularly. I still get tempted to starve myself and be consumed with my body in weight. I still get triggered by small things and want to go into an episode. But the difference is now, I act while I wait on the Lord. I'm learning to not cope.
   See, Psalms 145:14 says "The LORD upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down." So, yes I'm going to fall, but He still holds and catches me. If I humble myself, he lifts me up. In paraphrase Proverbs 24:16a says that the righteous will fall 7 times, but they also stand up 8.
I have to forget the past and strain forward like Paul says in Philippians 3. He says, I can't say I've taken hold of it completely, but I can say that I'm pressing on. I can say I've won the victory.

When I'm tempted to say that I will never get through all this crap and I will always be mentally crazy, I remember that Psalms 108:13a says "With God we will gain the victory..."
and I remember that Romans 8:37 says that we are MORE than conquerors. That in Revelations 21:6-7 The Lord says "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children."
I am a child of The King, therefore I inherit victory.
Victory means to have complete success and triumph in a battle or war.
And because I have the victory, I can rejoice always, like 1 Thessalonians 5:16 says to! My spirit can rejoice in The Lord just like in Luke 1.
  I'm still in a war and battle, but I know with my Lord, I have the victory.
I am not my illness. I am the victor.

           Now, I'm a warrior!