"You're like a river that overflows its bank"

           "You're like a river that overflows its bank"

I'm like a river that overflows its bank... I'm a river that overflows.....I overflow? I overflow. Oh no.

                                              Ouch.

   I've always struggled with feeling like I'm not good enough due to the fact that I am simply "too much".

  I'm too loud, too hyper, too anxious, too hard to handle, too stressful, too fat, take up too much space, too hard to love, too messed up, too crazy, too black and white, too all over the place, too impulsive, too stupid, too careless, too wreckless. Just over all too much.

  I've always felt like I should just shrink back and if I could just be less "me" everything would be okay and fine. I still struggle with this. Tears are streaming down my face as I type this because it's still such a near and hard struggle.
  I think I used Anorexia in a way to help me not only shrink physically, but emotionally, and behaviorally. As if the shrinking of my physical self were a way to teach myself to do so in every other sense of self. I wanted to make "me" disappear; sometimes I still do, which is why this is so hard to be talking about. It's really hard just straight up not liking who you are.  

  The past couple months I've done a lot of changing though. Early December I had a big fall apart and come to Jesus meeting. Everything, all at once, fell apart and I lost some of the most dear and precious friends I had. I also lost more peoples' trust than I can count on one hand, and for good reason. I spent the majority of that month in tears and in bed. January rolled around and I started actively changing things. I changed a lot. I felt like a completely different person in many different areas. And one of the most shocking and liberating ways in which I felt I had changed, was in that I was finally starting to like, or dare I even say, love, parts of myself.
Then I heard it,

"You're like a river that overflows its bank."

  Oh no. No, no, no, no, no... God, please, no. Has the change I thought I've implemented not actually taken place? I'm still too much? What do I do?  I still ruin everything. I'm still wreckless. I'm still a hurricane, destroying everything in my path. I knew this was too good to be true. I knew I wouldn't love myself for long. I'm too much, I'm too hard to love. 

I broke down and I cried... and I cried, and I cried some more.  I was devastated. I had gone so long without even think about enough this, or enough that. I hadn't been thinking about trying to shrink myself away. I wasn't even trying to shrink away physically. I hadn't thought I was too much, I hadn't even thought "I'm finally NOT too much."  I just wasn't thinking about it at all. It was incredible, to not be thinking and criticizing everything about myself.

But when I heard this, it hit me and I start thinking.... Crap, I've been so busy just going and trying to grow, I forgot to focus on trying to shrink myself, so none of this even counts, because I'm still too much.

Expletive, expletive, expletive!!!

After I got through the initial anxiety attack, I started praying about it legitimately rather than just beating myself up and asking God why He made me the way He did and why He lets me be too much. The more I prayed about it, the more I remembered this verse:

"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30 (KJV)
or in the NIV it says "He must become greater; I must become less."

 
   But the thing is: I can't MAKE myself shrink, become less or decrease. I can't will power myself into being less than I am. I can't just stop being a sinner. I am born into sin. I embody sin. I can't shrink myself to be good enough. 

  I've tried for years to just become less "me". I tried everything in my own power that I could to get rid of me. Along with what I said earlier with my Eating Disorder, I thought if I cut myself, the blood leaving my body was a physical representation of the things I hated about myself, bleeding out. A draining of my blood for new blood to come in; a draining of myself for a new me to replace.
I tried to be more quiet when I was out. I told myself I wouldn't talk or laugh loud or even cough because then I was too much. I beat myself up to no end if I got in someone's way on accident, say, walking down the hallway or something silly like that. I apologized profusely if I did (and still catch myself doing so now).
  You're always in the way, Nichole. You're taking up more than your fair share of space.

  I tried, for what felt like an eternity, to do exactly what I thought that Scripture was saying. I MUST become less, right? That's what it says, and that's what I was trying to do, yet I was failing miserably. Why?

 I was focusing on the "I" must decrease, rather than the "HE" must increase. It is really a "He must increase, that I may decrease." Because try as I may, as I said before, I can't shrink myself. The only way for there to be "less me" is for there to be "more him". This is made more evident once you look at the context of this, too.
 
  Jesus and his disciples were spending time together in the country side and He was baptizing. John started baptizing as well and some of John's disciples started arguing about people going to him to be baptized. John continues to tell them that "a person can only receive what is given to them from heaven" and that he is not the messiah, but just one sent ahead of Him. His joy is complete because of Jesus and he able to be doing what he is doing simply because He allowed him to. Then, after that being said, is when he says that Jesus must increase and he must decrease. He couldn't be doing what he was were it not for the greater of God in him.

  Meaning, I cannot decrease unless I increase God. I will not decrease unless I increase Him. Which was actually very comforting to realize. I was so worried that the changing I had done was nonexistent because I wasn't focusing on trying to be less, or even be better. All I was focusing on was growing in my relationship with Christ. I was overwhelmed with thinking I don't know how to make myself less. I don't have time to be thinking about that when I just want to think about God and have Him be the center of my thoughts again, not myself. But that's where it hit me:
I was doing exactly what I should have been. When you consume yourself with Christ, you don't have room, or time, or even care to be consumed with yourself.  I loved that. I loved that time, and I loved not thinking about me or focusing on just trying to make myself love myself. So when I heard that I was still "too much" I thought I was doing everything wrong, but the thing is, is that the love for myself came the more I focused on God. The more I focused on making God bigger rather than me smaller, the smaller I became. 

  Allowing yourself to not think about yourself is extremely freeing. I can not express to you the freedom that came from not trying to make myself something different; just being and allowing myself to simply be. Being with God.




  A cup can only spill what it contains. Even the focus of trying to lessen yourself is still focusing on yourself. It's still filling yourself with you: how to fix you; lessen you. You can try and try and try to focus on emptying yourself, but because you are focusing on yourself, you will do nothing but fill yourself with more of you. You will continue to have the overflow of you because you're filling your thoughts and mind with thoughts of you. You're filling yourself with just more of you.

BUT when you are full of him it inevitably means there will be less of you because you can't be fully consumed with two different things at the same time.
I can't overflow "me" if all I contain is Him. If I am full of Him, I will spill Him. If I am full of Him, my overflow will be an overflow of Him, and what an amazing overflow to have. I LOVE being around those who just exert the love of Christ. Their entire being is an overflowing of Him, which is exactly how I want to be.

My very best friend was the one who told me that I am like a river that overflows, and while the intention of saying that was to say that I was overflowing "me" too much, and it hurt like crap, it helped me realize the importance of filling myself with God, so that when I overflow, it's not a negative overflow. That comment in the context, broke me. Into a million pieces. But that breaking allowed me to see the parts of me that were still focused on me, rather than on Him.
  I even googled "verses about how to make yourself less" and everything that came up was about making Him MORE! That's my focus.  HE is my focus. That's what I'm searching for. That's what I'm seeking out.

  This post is a lot shorter than a lot of my other ones but I just found this helpful and encouraging and wanted to share. Enjoy!!

.

This Cross is Suicide

 
  Well helloh fam jam,
It is time for another blog post! (Finally)




  There's a song by Sleeping Giant called "The Cross is Suicide". I don't ever listen to the song anymore (and I wouldn't recommend it unless you like metal) but the name of the song and the reasoning behind it has always stuck with me. I always remember it; then a month or so ago, it came up in a conversation between my best friend and I, and since then, it's been on the fore front of my mind almost constantly. I started praying about it, and studying out the Biblical truths behind it.


  The first scriptures brought to mind are from Matthew 16. Before Jesus was going to be crucified on our behalf, He told His disciples in verses 24-26, 
"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?"
 And also, Galatians 2:20 which starts off saying, "We have been crucified with Christ."
 
   He carried the cross to be crucified, and we are to do the same. Now, obviously that doesn't mean we are physically to take a cross and hang ourselves on it. Christ's crucifixion was not about the actual death and rising again, itself. It was for what the death and rising represented and meant. It was a symbol.


The crucifixion on the cross was a symbol of sacrifice - Christ sacrificed His life for us and our sins.
It was a symbol of atonement - Someone whom was perfect and spotless had to pay the price.
It was a symbol of redemption - With His death we receive redemption and freedom from sin. The cross was a physical symbol for us to see, and to follow. He became a symbol for us. Our picking up of our cross and following is symbolic for the releasing of ourselves and our wills, for He, who endured the symbol; and who became our symbol of redemption and freedom. Which is what that passage is saying when He talks of losing our lives and souls to gain them.


   Galatians 5:24 says, "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
 We, as humans, are faulty creatures; we sin out of very nature. We are born into sin. Many times when the Bible mentions our flesh, it is talking about our natural desires, which most of the time, are not what The Holy Spirit would choose- it is not what we would choose if relying on The Spirit. Our fleshly desires stand for our natural, sinful desires. Our taking up of our cross is also symbolic for the crucifixion of our flesh, which represents our sin. So we see that it means to turn from and crucify our natural wants and desires, but
  What does it mean to be crucified with Christ?

Well, back to those verses. "...must deny themselves...",
"...have been crucified with Christ.", "...have crucified the flesh..."


  The Greek word for "deny" is "aparneomai" which means to disown; to repudiate, invalidate, ignore, and deny the existence of flesh.

  So, we deny our natural selves. Deny our natural desires and sins, our fleshly and worldly wants. Ignore them and their existence; give them no value or thought; refuse to be associated with them; abandon them.
  It is the denying of oneself of a person; disassociating himself from his self-interests to serve The Higher purpose.  Which probably isn't a new concept for you if you are trying to live for The Lord. What got me, though, was this:


  See, many times, especially as Christ followers, we set out to do something for God, such as turning from our flesh and sin, or even to do something bigger that He has called you to, and we think it will be easy because it is for Him. We know He's there fighting for us the whole way (Exodus 14:14; Deuteronomy 3:22), that He protects us (Psalms 46:1; 2 Timothy 4:18), and doesn't leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8; Hebrews 13:5-6). We set out with our battle cry strong, our faith strong, and our hopes high. All of those things are true, and extremely encouraging. But I think everyone has noticed that as the fight goes on, you start to grow weary and you lose some of your "oomph", so to speak.
And I think this is why.
 
  The Greek word for "crucify" is "stauroo" which means to crucify (destroy) the flesh; demolish its power utterly. It also implies that the destruction is with great pain. 
 
  We deny ourselves, yes, but in that is also the death of ourselves that we misconceive. I want to go back to some Scriptures now to reinforce all of this. First, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:31, "I face death every day- yes, just as surely as I boast about you in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Then, Romans 6:1-14:
  "What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead, through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
  For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin- because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
  Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again, death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; the life he lives, he lives to god.
  In that same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and offer every part of yourselves to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace."

  Through those verses, we perceive this "death" to be an easy task. Almost giving the connotation that this death Paul speaks of,  baptism into death, and this counting of ourselves dead, is a peaceful death. Just the lying down and going without any conscious effort. We just slip into it seamlessly as we slip into sleep, or as our loved ones do sometimes slip into death in their sleep. We view this death as an immediate reviving and strengthening escape. We just...die. Nothing else to it; just the mere death without any thought otherwise.


 We forget that this death is a crucifixion. An extremely painful and hard death.
 
 
  It is always much harder to enforce change or change old habits, than it is to just keep doing the same things you were. Not just in the changing the habits of sin, but in everyday life things. Any journey that you embark on for the Lord is going to be FAR harder than what you were doing prior. It is ever so easy to walk into things, but oh so much harder to walk out.
  My best friend, recently told me, "If you walk five miles into a forest, you can expect a five mile walk back out."
 
  Which is such a simplistic but blunt truth. And just as we talked about after he said that; the walk back out is harder because you've already walked the first five miles. You're already tired. And most of the time, when wandering into something, (especially something that is seemingly good) we don't leave any trail behind to find our way back out. When you are first walking in, everything is beautiful, different, and interesting. It's a new territory. It's luring in that you didn't know that this "thing" ever even existed before. Exploration is always fun, at first. It's this grand adventure with no fear of it's ambiguity. But once you've seen it all, it just becomes tiring and you want to just be back, but not have to go back. You aren't positive where exactly to start either because you have not a clue how you really got to where you are.
  



   When I first decided I actually wanted to recover from self harm, I thought it was going to be easy because I had FINALLY set my mind on it, and was determined to do it for The Lord and Him only. I was excited! I knew it was going to be hard because those things had become second nature to me. It was just a normal, daily part of life and I was going to have to drastically change everything that I knew as regular life. But I didn't fully understand just how hard it would be.


As I said before, our daily death we face is a crucifixion. It is a crucifixion we have to inflict upon ourselves.
This, then, is where the cross being suicide comes in.


  I think, a lot of times, people also have the false notion that a suicide is pretty. Social media plays into it by saying how you put on your nicest clothes, write a heart felt letter, take some pills, lie down and fall "asleep" gracefully; then your loved ones will find you, with hands folded, looking beautiful and at peace. But that couldn't be further from the truth.


 Suicides or suicide attempts are never pretty or peaceful. They are hard. Granted, you start off thinking that it's a good thing. You want nothing more. You know that this will be the end of trial and tribulation. You think it will be better for everyone and yourself once you are done. But once you get into it, it's even worse. 
Every time I tried in the past, it was messy and terrifying... I took pills and went to bed only to wake up with the worst feeling in my stomach I'd ever had and proceeded to spend a while bent over a toilet bowl, throwing up the poison I had put in my body. Cutting was never beautiful. It was never poetic. It was morbid. It left me with an awful mess to clean up. It left me with a grief stricken sickness looking at what I had done to myself. A lot of times, you get half way through and jolt to a stop with terror; a panicking thought of "wait-I-don't-want-this-I-change-my-mind!" (Thanks be to God that it wasn't too late for me.)


  Spiritual suicides are no different. It's hard. My Eating Disorder and cutting were my safe refuges, (False sense of safety in reality) they were my comfort, and my "good thing". Before recovery, I didn't see the need to stop. Why would I stop doing the very thing I thought was helping me most?
When I decided to start recovering, like I said before; I was motivated, strong and ready. I felt the power of God surrounding me. I wanted it so bad I could almost taste the freedom! But to then start denying myself of the things my flesh wanted and craved the most, was not fun. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It was the hardest battle I have fought, to this day. It was and is a brutal murdering of myself. It was a suicide of the things I wanted and thought were best.


  Another thing my best friend said, was that so many times, when we go into battles for The Lord, we expect a Great Assassination. We go in anticipating a take out in the first round, because, after all, we do have THE Almighty God fighting for us and in our corner. But it isn't like that. We get faced with an arena match. It's just as strong, if not seemingly stronger than us. You get knocked down a ton of times. You feel beat up and torn down. You feel loss and smell defeat so much you almost forget the taste of victory. We do, in the end, win the war, because we do have God, but you're going to lose battles in between the ultimate win.
  The hard thing about this fight too, is that you are fighting yourself- your natural self- your flesh. You have to get up and look at the parts of yourself that aren't of the Lord and commit to murder them, even when sometimes it seems like you're doing more harm than good. You look yourself in the eyes and know a violent fight is ahead. 




  I don't say this to discourage any of you reading this that may be going through a hard time with trying to "count yourselves as dead to sin" or just trying to do the works God has called you to. I say this to say not to give up yet. It is a suicide. But it does get better. It gets easier as the fight progresses on. You feel weaker at first, but
God promises us in Isaiah 40:31, "But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."


And also returning to that passage in Romans 6:
Verse 4b- "...just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life."
Verse 5- "..we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his."
Verse 7- "any one who has died has been set free from sin."
Verse 8- "...we believe we will also live with him."
Verse 13 "...offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life..."




  So while we do have to commit a suicide, we receive an eternal life. This death doesn't mean to die. We are put to death, in order to live; in order to gain life! An abundant life at that, according to John 10:10, when Jesus says that the enemy comes to steal kill and destroy, but that He comes so that we "may have life and have it abundantly."
 It is a goory and horrifying suicide of the natural self, in order that The Supernatural may inhabit you.


  The forgiveness you are fighting to give is a suicide. That addiction you are struggling to get free from is a suicide. The anger and bitterness you are trying to let go of is a suicide. The changing of your life for a new human to enter is a suicide. The things you are doing to further The Kingdom is a suicide. The turning of your thoughts from things that are not pure is a suicide. The giving up of your flesh's desires and passions is a suicide. The submission of your will is a suicide. The releasing of doing life in your own strength is a suicide. The finishing of school to be able to accomplish what you are called to is a suicide. The raising of children to follow The Lord is a suicide. The act of going to church when you don't want to anymore is a suicide.
 
 It's a painful suicide. Those things are the crosses we are commanded to pick up and carry.  "All should come and die, not for the symbol, but for The One who was symbolized. The cross is suicide." -Sleeping Giant







  What is your cross? What is the godly suicide you need to commit?




 

Joy in the Mourning

  And the award for the most inconsistent blogger ever goes to....... meeeeee!


  I haven't posted in a really long time. A lot longer than I would like.
I've been struggling greatly, lately, and whenever I start struggling, I stop writing. I actually stop doing a lot of things that I enjoyed before.. I isolate myself more, I don't play drums, I don't sing, I don't journal, I don't get in The Word NEARLY as much, I don't thrive, I don't burn, I don't pursue my passions as I was before. 
  I actually wasn't even planning on writing right now, but I was talking to a good friend of mine and talking about how I wanted to get back into writing, but I always quit when I am not doing as well. I was telling her how I know that it is actually helpful for me to write because it takes studying, really delving into God's word and it takes a lot of prayer. And she was just encouraging me because in doing that, it is inevitably going to strengthen your relationship with Him and build your faith. It fans the flame that you've let die out some. Even if when you are initially doing it, it isn't what you want to do. As you grow in Him and learn Him more, you fall in love with Him and it becomes what you want to do.
So.... Here I am- a little resistant, hesitant, and extremely anxious.


  This is where I am supposed to be vulnerable and open up and be honest with where I am right now...and to help you get a better picture of how excited I am to do that, let me tell you.... My insertion point line has sat blinking for the past 10 minutes. :) But I guess it's just time for me to jump in..
 
  In February, I went into a treatment center for Eating Disorders and lived there for two months, before being discharged, because they saw a bigger problem under my Eating Disorder that needs to be dealt with first, (on an outpatient basis with someone who specializes in this) because it is a more pressing issue, and also what my Eating Disorder is rooted in and stemmed from. It was extremely hard leaving because I felt like I was finally about to start doing some of the real hard work and that's what is needed to help and heal, and in my head, I was being plundered of my chance to recover.
  It was explained to me that hopefully by treating the underlying issue that I used my Eating Disorder to cover up, it will rid me of my need to use my Eating Disorder, because I will be taught how to deal and heal from what is underneath it. Which is encouraging to hear, yes, but in the mean time of finding the right therapist to help me, I haven't been doing well with either of the issues. 


  Since being home, I lost my hope. Feeling hopeless depletes the will to try. So I haven't wanted to, whatsoever; I haven't seen the point in it.  Thankfully, I do have people in my life, whom, without even realizing or just with their very presence on earth, remind me of the vow I made when all of this began....
 "I am going to recover, or I am going to die trying." 


    It is extremely hard trying to will myself into trying again; but I'm hoping really getting back into God's word, where clarity and strength is always found, I will find myself thriving again.
What I have gotten back into studying and reading has already helped a little, so I want to share it, or just write for myself, if nothing else.


  I do have to state though, that this is in no way an easy thing to be writing, because I don't fully believe it yet. I know it is all true, but I don't know it. I'm writing this as I'm still trying to learn. I've read it and studied it, but I'm still trying to bind it to my heart. I've put it in there but It hasn't quite taken root yet. I'm in one of those, "declare it until it becomes true" places. Nevertheless, here we go:






   Everyone has heard the verse, "..weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalms 30:5) 
Everyone sings, "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning."  Both are true and both are encouraging.
  
  What I want to talk about though, is the joy that comes in the mourning.  I have to believe there is. Given in what the Scriptures say, there has to be.


1 Thessalonians 5:16 tells us to rejoice always; to rejoice evermore. Philippians 4:4 says to Rejoice in the Lord, always, as well.
There was no question in this, it was not a statement, or suggestion, just saying "You can and could rejoice always, maybe you should try it." It was a command. He said it plain and simple. You, be joyful, evermore.


  I have known this for a while and would constantly beat myself up because I didn't understand how I could have such deep rooted, actual-chemical-imbalance Depression, but still rejoice. I remember asking, "What am I doing wrong? The Bible says our joy is in The Lord, so why do I not have it?" 
There is actually part of a poem by Levi the Poet that says exactly what I was thinking, but couldn't put into words; it says:
  "If I could have a heart like David's, that resembled Yours, then what are the odds that Solomon's sadness would have creeped in somewhere to even score?"
 As if I could just be good enough, like David, to have joy. If I was good enough, like I am suppose to be, I wouldn't be depressed. I don't have anything to be sad about, so I am obviously doing something wrong.


  It wasn't until much later that I realized, it's not about being good enough. It's not even about getting rid of Depression and not ever being sad. It's about the joy that we have in the midst of trials and tribulations because of what an astonishing and awe-striking savior we have. 


 
  In John 15 before Jesus was crucified, He is telling the disciples to stay in His word so that their joy may be fulfilled, He tells them that the world will hate them if they love God. In chapter 16, He tells them He is about to leave and they won't see Him anymore for a while, and they will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. Jesus told them that even though He was leaving, it was for their good; for our good. He told them Himself that we don't listen to where He is going to, to know that He is going to The Father so that He may come back as our Advocate, on our behalf. Even after telling them all of this, the disciples still said "We don't understand what He is saying." (verse 18)
Jesus re-explains and the disciples say okay, we see that you know all things and you don't need us to ask question. Then Jesus says in verse 33,
  "I have told you these things, so that in me, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world!"


  He's telling us to take comfort and find peace in Him even though we will have trouble.  In Him, you find comfort and peace.
Psalms 118 and 119, were written anonymously, but the person who was writing it said he was hard pressed, the nations were surrounding him and swarming him like bees, he was a pushed back and about to fall, he was laid low in the dust and his soul was weary from sorrow.
But then, in verse 50 he says, "My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." (NIV)
   Well, I've come to see that if God says something, it's a promise. He doesn't say something that He doesn't fulfill.


So in that,
He promises us that if we stay in Him, our joy will be complete in John 15:11
He promises He will never leave nor forsake us in Deuteronomy 31:6
He promises that NOTHING can separate us from His love in Romans 8:38-39
He Promises that if we confess our sins, He will forgive us, and purify us in John 1:9
He promises that we do not have to be dismayed, for he is our God. He will strengthen us and help us; He will uphold us with His righteous right hand in Isaiah 41:10
  Lastly, the promise that preserves our life:
He promises that even though we will die, we will live; that death is not the end. -John 11:26
 
  We have comfort even in the middle of sucky situations, which is awesome, but how do I be joyful always? It's a command, meaning I have to choose to acknowledge the joy in Him and be joyful in Him, right? And this may just be me, but when it seems impossible and unthinkable to have joy and be depressed at the same time, it is REALLY hard to look for the joy or want to, because it is unattainable, so what's the point? So how do I grow the strength to see the Joy that I already have? How do I believe that it's real and tangible?


Well, James 1:2 (NIV) says "Consider it put joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials," 
Which, to me, honestly sounds impractical. BUT that's only reading that specific verse, and not reading the entire context. It doesn't end in a period, it is a comma because it isn't finished. Verse 3-4 gives us a "because"; a reason why we should consider it a joy:
"Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
  And that's not even all; there are other because's (I made up a word; deal with it)
He says that the one who perseveres under trial is blessed and that he will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.
 
  Additionally, if we go back to Psalms 119 that we were reading earlier, we see that verse 71 says "It was good for me to be afflicted that I might learn your decrees."
And similarly, Isaiah 38:17 says "Surely it is for my benefit that I suffer such anguish."
  The people whom were writing these verses were dealing with some giant, awful crap, yet they still believed there was a reason, thus still having joy even when in sorrow and anguish.
 They trusted God, and because they trusted Him, they still had joy.
Concurrent with the verses above, 
Romans 15:13 (KJV) says "Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that ye shall abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
And Psalms 33:21 (NIV) says "In Him our hearts rejoice for we trust His holy name."
 
  So even when I'm struggling and having a hard time, I can believe that Jeremiah 29:11 is truth, even for me...
 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
 If we really, truly trust that He plans for us to prosper and have a future and to have hope, we will inevitably find joy in the mourning.
 
  Just like Paul said in 2 Corinthians 7 verse 4, "I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles, my joy knows no bounds."
He goes on saying that even though they were harassed, had many conflicts and a lot of fear, God comforted them. He said his joy knew no bounds and it was because He trusted that even in mourning, God is our hope, our refuge, and strength.
  Earlier, when I mentioned Romans 15:13, I was pointing out that in trusting Him, you find joy, but along with that, the verse is pointing out that joy is only found in the God of hope.


  One of my mentors, always reminds me and quotes the verse Hebrews 12:2 to me over, and over, (like literally drilling it into my head where I don't have a choice but think about it myself. Thanks, Alisa. :P)
 It says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (NIV)
  Most of the time, when reading or hearing this verse, I think about how He doesn't give up on my faith; he perfects it. I think about how much He must love me to endure the cross, and scorn the shame, and how stupid I would be to not fix my eyes on Him when he is that amazing. What I didn't think about though, until writing this right now, that He did it for the joy set before Him, which was to be sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.
His joy is sitting at the throne.


   So, circling all the way back to John 15, in verse 19 Jesus is telling them that before long He will be leaving earth, and in verse 20 He reassures them that on that day, they will realize that He is in the Father, and we are in Him and He is in us.


  Now, in Revelations when we are getting the most clear picture of what Heaven is like, chapter 3 verse 21 says "To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on His throne."
 
  As I've learned and said in some of my other posts, we are already victorious. So that spot on the throne of God, with God, is already ours. His sitting down at the throne refers to the fact that the redemption is done; the victory is won and it is finished. Our joy is sitting at the throne.
And because we are in Him, and He in us, we are already there. We are already with Him.
  Granted, we aren't physically there, but in our spirits, we can be there.  So in Hebrews when he is saying his joy is set at the throne, and because our spirits are set at the throne, we have that joy. In more scriptures than I could count, we are told that we are held in the right hand of God and that He saves us with His mighty right hand. In His right hand is our joy.
  Because we are in Him, we have joy from God in Heaven, even in the trials and tribulations on earth.
 
  We are also told in Galatians that one of the many fruits of the spirit, is joy. The spirit is joy and the spirit is in us. It is always, always with us. There is joy in us, even in mourning, because He is joy.
So, yes, it is possible to be joyful all the while feeling down. This doesn't mean that it's easy and that I'm just completely hunky dory now and everything is great and I'm always going to be chipper and happy and bubbly. I'm still trying to make that joy actually take root in my heart. I still feel discouraged and defeated sometimes, but atleast I have the Holy Spirit in me to remind me of the truth, my joy, my Savior, and my salvation.
I think that's why Ephesians says our battles are not earthly, but spiritual against darkness. It's the constant battle between light and darkness. The battle of feeling empty and hollow, while simultaneously feeling very full and heavy.
   But still, my heart screams my war cry:  Now I'm a warrior.
I have joy in me, I'm working on finding it and discovering it more.
He, actually. I'm finding and discovering Him, more.
 I'm seeking Him, my Joy.

"Indeed, You are our glory and joy." 1 Thessalonians 2:20




                 He is our joy in the mourning.












 

Getting Down and Dirty With the Naked and Exposed

 

    So, in this post, I want to talk about how we serve a God who gets low and gets dirty.  I pray this post will encourage those who are maybe trying to help a loved one out with something and also will encourage those who are currently struggling with something or are going to....which means everyone . ;)

  First, let's talk about sickness.
In Mark 2:17 Jesus says, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (NIV)

 I wanted to begin with this Scripture because it is so encouraging to know that Jesus didn't come for the people who think they have it all together. He came for the ones who are sick. The needy. The poor. The sinners.
I believe sin is like a sickness and that all sickness is a result of sin, and I will explain why later, but with that in mind.....

     A couple months ago, I was talking to someone I love dearly about my past and current struggles.  She ended up telling me that she knew someone who was struggling with some of the same stuff that I have (and still do) and asked me how she should walk through it with her. I desperately wanted to have an answer, because Eating Disorders and self harm are hard things to deal with. But I couldn't answer it. To answer it would be to be open about how much it SUCKS to try to recover, not only for the one trying to recover, but the one trying to support the one in recovery. It's still a raw area for me to think about because it seems like it was all just yesterday, and while I will be and am open about it, it still makes me extremely nervous and is hard. It's like irritating a wound that hasn't healed completely yet.


  I have been praying about the answer to this since she asked me a while back and the first thing you have to know if you are going to try to help someone is:
  1. You can not help them. Only God can.
  Recovery from anything is impossible without the Lord. It won't happen. Ever. You can lead them to The Healer of the sick, but you yourself can do absolutely nothing. You can walk it with them, but you can't make them walk.
(I know I've said this before and I will probably say it 57035827064839587345 more times so get use to it.)
  

    Thinking back on my personal journey and the first several, several longgggggg months of my recovery, it was the hardest thing I have been through and I'm sure the hardest thing some of the people around me had been through as well. If you truly want to help someone, you are going to have to get down in the dirt with them. You're going to get messed up. You're going to get hurt and it isn't fun. You're going to doubt whether it is worth it and whether or not anything you are doing is really even doing anything at all. I don't say this to discourage anyone and to say to avoid people with problems like they are a plague; not at all. I do want people to know how hard it will be though, but that it is SO worth it.

  Okay, but why do you have to get dirty too?
Before the sickness can be healed, you have to realize there is a sickness, which is an extremely hard process for some, as it was for me. You have to dig into the problems; the messy stuff; the results of the sickness. Since my dear friend asked me that, I have been incessantly asking God what "qualified" as sick. So, I started digging into The Word to see what the Bible said was sickness and trying to study what the word itself meant. 
  The word "sick" derives from the Greek word "sickhos" which means sick; unwell; weak; or detestable.
The word detestable stood out to me the most when I read this, because if we really take that seriously and look into what the Lord says is detestable and therefore makes us sick, we are all sick. But also because the word detestable can mean dirty, abominable, ignoble, mean, nasty, wretched, and the list goes on.

  Thinking back all the way to the beginning of the world though, when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, the human race was free of sickness and sin. It wasn't until they sinned by disobeying the Lord that sin and sickness entered the world (Romans 5:12)
  In Deuteronomy 28:58-61 it says that if they don't follow His Law and revere the name of the Lord, He would send plagues, lingering illnesses, disease and "every kind of sickness" (NIV)
   Sin and sickness are closely associated in the New Testament, as well.   
    For example, let's talk about the man who was paralyzed in John 5. But when you are reading this, really think about the details of what this sickness meant and required.

  It says that this man had been an invalid for 38 years.... For 38 years he couldn't do anything for himself. That means he either just didn't bathe, or someone had to bathe him because he couldn't do it himself. That's not fun or clean or easy for either scenario. 

  Now, back in Mark 2:1-12 they are telling the same story, but they tell it in just a little bit of a different way. In verse 4, it says that there were four men who came and picked up the man who was paralyzed to bring him to Jesus. So, they've already realized he is sick, needs healing, and have had to deal with it for almost 40 years now.
  Now in order to get him to The Healer, they have to pick him up on a mat. But that mat is on the ground, in the dirt, and probably covered in dirt as well. It could have been covered in bugs and stuff if he wasn't clean or it could be muddy if it had rained prior. He was probably pretty heavy too.  So, they're carrying this man, holding him on a little mat, and in verse 4 it says when they get there, there are so many people, they can't even get to Jesus.  So they get on the roof.. (Umm, how?) and then proceed to dig through the roof so they can lower the man down.  (And they didn't drop him to plummet to his death.. again, um, how?)
  Then verse 5, "When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, 'Son, your sins are forgiven." And some of the teachers around called blasphemy and were asking who could forgive sins but God alone, to which, Jesus replied in verses 9 and 11-12a
  "Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’?  So he said to the man, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all." (NIV)

  So, the moment that Jesus forgave this mans sin, is when he was healed. I feel like in those verses He is saying "It's easier to say 'you are forgiven' than to tell him to get up and take his mat and go home, because they are the same thing." Jesus didn't focus on the fact that this man was paralyzed. He immediately moved to forgiving His sins. To heal the sin, is to heal the sickness.
 
Now, going back to John 5, where again it is the same story, just written in different words. After he was healed verse 14 says,
"Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, 'See you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.'" (NIV)
  So, once again Jesus is saying your sin is causing the sickness, so cut it out, yo. 
And though this is sufficient enough evidence to prove that with sin comes sickness, but if it is not for you, here is another example:

Numbers 12 presents a story, which brings God's people a very solemn warning. Miriam, Moses’ sister, a prophetess and one who had been greatly blessed of the Lord, became prideful, and was speaking against (criticizing) Moses. (verse 8). God heard her evil speaking, and "the anger of the Lord was kindled" against Miriam and Aaron, her brother, who had entered with her into the criticism against Moses. At which point, Miriam became severely leprous, and would have remained so had not Moses prayed for her deliverance. Also meaning that Miriam would never have needed healing had she not sinned.
  I think sin breaks down the protection that God has built around us, thus giving Satan access to afflict us.


 
   Moving on though.... I want to go into the 'getting dirty' part.  I've seen so many people with any sort of illness end up getting sicker and sicker due to the fact that people don't want to get dirty with them and really help. I've talked about these scriptures with other people before and heard, in response, the excuse, "Well, I'm not those people. Just because they did it doesn't mean I have to get dirty too. They aren't Jesus." I being guilty of wanting to use that same excuse, too.
But in studying this, I've found that Jesus gets down and dirty with the sick as well!
 
  Let's read some of John 8:
"But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.  At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them.  The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group  and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him." (vs. 1-6a NIV)
   Now, I'm going to use some of the King James version for this next part, but first I want to say that in KJV verse 4 says "this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act."
 Which tells us that they literally took this woman, while she was still naked, to the temple to see if they could stone her to death. So, the sun hasn't even fully risen yet, and this woman is on a mountain, naked, in a temple, in front of Jesus Himself. Woah. But not only that, she probably felt like all her emotions were exposed. And I know spiritually she had to feel naked and exposed because her sin was just right there in front of the Son of Man.
But I love this next part, verses 6b-9 say,
  
   "But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.  So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, 'He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.'  And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.  And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst." (KJV)

  I absolutely love this version because it says that Jesus stooped down. He got down in the dirt and began writing in the dirt with his finger, to protect a woman who was sick in sin. Twice. 
Then, after all of the other people left ,Jesus told her in verse 11, "Go, and sin no more."
  And this is so encouraging to know when you are that one, standing naked in every way, with everything seen before The Lord and other people.... He doesn't condemn you or let others condemn you. He gets down and he gets dirty to help you. He doesn't stand on a platform looking down upon you because you've messed up. He gets down lower than you. Then He tells you to go and not to sin anymore.
  And to the ones not knowing what to do to help, just do that. Get down and dirty to help them get out of their sins. Lead them to the Lord. Not everyone responds the same way so it will look different and be new territory sometimes but that's where building your own faith comes in hand.

  Again, back to when I was really sick, I definitely had people who got dirty to help me when I was standing naked and exposed before the Lord. I was disgusting a lot of times and they had to get in the midst of that with me. (Actually, I still do have those people to do that for me, and still am brought to my knees, exposed before God.)
    
  There's one time that I remember specifically, I was still living with the Lang family and I had cut while I was there and ended up getting caught. Cathy wanted to see what I had done, so she made me unwrap my arm from all the bandages I had on there and stuff. But in doing that, it started bleeding again. She was upset, obviously because I had harmed myself badly yet again, but she wasn't mad. She then got me some more bandages and gauze and whatever else to wrap it back up with. She sat there, lovingly, and helped me clean up the mess and blood from my self inflicted wounds. It was nasty. It was painful. It was messy. It was detestable. For both of us. I'm weeping as I type this, thinking about it because I know how hard that must have been for her.
  Or thinking about my precious mother who would check my body, daily, to see if I had new scars. The heart break in her eyes if I had, or even if I hadn't, but just because it was humiliating for both of us, makes me want to cry every time I am humbly reminded of this. Or when she would have to check up my sleeves for food I had hidden. Or when either of them would just hold me while I cried until I was sick.

  There are countless times that so many people around me got utterly crushed because they were helping me and I wouldn't be alive right now if they hadn't. As much as it hurts to think about and as much as I want to apologize to each and every person whom has supported me, I'm so thankful that they were an example of how I have a Savior that stoops down for me. I still have people, to this day, that continue to show me that and I wouldn't be where I am without them.
So, I leave you with this thought:

     Sometimes, getting dirty and being broken are the ways that we finally enable God to cleanse us and those around us.

Why You Can't Do It

 
    Hi!


  So we are going to start this off with things that piss. me. off. 
Hardcore.  Things that people say to encourage you, but are a complete and utter lie. Affirmations that are empty. Here are some of them:


"You can do this!"
"You got this! It's okay."
"You can do it yourself."
"You are so strong!"
"Believe in yourself!"
"You can do all things!"
And the one that pisses me off more than all the rest:


          "God won't give you more than you can handle."






  I've been thinking about this for a long time now and I was at a loss because everyone says this crap. I couldn't figure out why I would hear this stuff and instead of it encouraging me as the people had intended for it to, it would make me angry. It made me feel worse. It would make me think they were lying to my face.
And it is because they were.


  I can not do this. You can not do this. I don't have it. You don't have it. I can not do it on my own. You can not do it on your own. I can not believe in myself. You can not believe in yourself. I can not do anything. You can not do anything.
  And God most certainly WILL give you more than you can handle.


  Now, before you get your granny panties all up in a twist, hear me out;
Hear the Scripture out.


 I know people (myself included) mean well when they say this crap, but when we do say this stuff, we obliterate many, many Bible verses that tell us that as humans, we can do nothing. We are nothing.
We diminish the role that God plays in our very breath and being.


 Obviously, I'm not saying that we can't do anything at all because clearly we are, in that we live out our lives everyday. But what I am saying is that without God, we can not. Whatever it is, we can not.
If we could do everything, we would have no need for God at all.
  A lot of people, when you are going through hardships, will quote the verse, Philippians 4:13- "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength."
Which is true, but we say it without giving full attention where it is due. We pick up from this verse that we can do all things. We discredit that it is only through Christ that we can. (I believe I've touched on this subject in another post too, but it's important so here we are.)


  Again, myself included, we all do this. We tend to believe we can live self-sufficient, rather than Christ-sufficient.
        BUT...


  John 15:5, Jesus tells us, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (NIV)
  Matthew 19:26 -"With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." (NIV)
  Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." (NIV)
 These scriptures, yes, tell us that we will bear fruit, that we can complete impossible tasks, and that we are saved, but they also tell us that without God, we can't do squat.


~Side note, the word "squat" makes me giggle.~


Moving on,
   We know Genesis says God created us, Heaven, earth and life itself, but not only that, we have John 14:6 where Jesus tells us that He IS life.
"I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (KJV)
   How could we be so foolish to think that we can do anything without our Creator? How dare we think we can do anything without Life, Himself?
 
We can't depend on ourselves, or 'believe in ourselves' enough to be saved, which is exactly what you read with Ephesians 2:8-9; it is by the grace of God, only.
 We aren't strong. Paul even says in 2 Corinthians 12 that it is through our weakness that the Lord is strong and His power rests on us.
"And He said to me: 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
  See, if we were strong enough, there would be no need for the perfect power of Christ to be with us.
 


       Now, back to the statement that pisses me off the most...
"God won't give you more than you can handle."


  I full heartedly believe He will. As I said earlier, if we had everything all figured out, we wouldn't need Him. If the tasks He gave us were possible merely by human strength, we wouldn't call to God to help, but Colossians 3:23 tells us to do everything we do for the Lord. So, a task that is not impossible without God is a pointless task.
I think we have the tendency to read verses like 1st Corinthians 10:13 that says,
"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." (KJV)
  And we either think that we will simply not struggle, or if we do struggle, it won't be more than we can handle on our own. But the verse tells us we will struggle with wanting to sin. We will desire to do it, but God is the one who provides the method of escape and strength to do so.






  When I was living with the Lang family, there were frequent times when I would be sitting in front of a plate of food, or having the urge to self harm and sobbing, "I can't do it! I can't do it!!" and Cathy would just try to encourage me in The Lord and help me through it, but I just couldn't.


  Then one day, that I still remember so vividly, I was having a literal break down because Cathy had told me to go take a shower. I was so engulfed into Depression and wanting to die, that the simple thought of getting off the couch to shower, was way too much to handle. I laid on that couch for hours just weeping and crying that I couldn't do it. I couldn't take a shower.
I couldn't live. I just couldn't.
  Zach, Cathy's husband ended up coming over to me and sitting down, which scared me itself because I knew he was going to tell me to get up... and through tears, I cried once again, "I can't do it!!!"
He then took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes in such a loving and gentle way and said,
 "You are completely right, Nichole, you can't do it. You can't. YOU can not do it."
  It was one of the most real things I had ever heard. When Zach said that to me, I think it was the first time that I really understood that I had a desperate need for God and that's exactly what he told me. To this day, I find myself saying that I can't do something and I'm reminded just how right I am. I need the Lord in such a way that my very life depends on Him.
  And that's not a bad thing. It is actually extremely encouraging to know that not only am I not strong enough, but I don't have to be strong enough.
 I'm not self-sufficient and that is perfectly okay. I am weak and it is a good thing. I can not do it and because I can not, my God steps in.


  When we try to live as though we can do it on our own, we give the devil more power. We give him room to show us just how right we are but without showing us that we have The Rescuer.
  When we try to be self-sufficient, we destroy the chances of letting our Savior be who He is and do exactly what He does: save
  Let Him save you! Rejoice in your weakness!
 
Mark 2:17 says "Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
  We are all sinners and we all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) so be encouraged in that He came for you! To be your strength; to help you accomplish everything, even the impossible. Embrace that God gives you too much to handle, and rely on Him!



  See, impossibilities become impossible when you serve the God of the Impossible. His grace is sufficient; His strength is enough. We are weak and that's a good thing.

Warfare as a Warrior

 


              Hi guys! Well, I haven't written in about 3 months...
 
  To be honest, I've been struggling and I was afraid to share the wretched part of my Warrior journey.   I had been praying about a topic for my next post, but every time I thought of anything, I argued with the Lord saying, "But Lord, I'm not much of a warrior right now, I can't post that." And in my quiet time recently, I could not stop asking myself and God this following question:


  What does it mean to even be a Warrior?  How can I be the best warrior I can be, if I don't know what comes with being a warrior.


    I started studying the meaning of "warrior". The definition of warrior is "A person engaged in warfare; soldier; some one of valor, strength, courage. I read this over and over and one word seemed to stick out to me.


                                          Warfare.
 
  So I started looking up Scripture talking about warfare.
  - 2 Corinthians 10:4 says "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds." (KJV)
Ephesians 6:12 confirms that, as well, telling us that what we fight against is not of flesh and blood; but against spiritual wickedness.
  To me, these verses are saying that our weapons that we use in spiritual warfare, are not physical weapons. The weapons we use are through God only. But what spiritual weapons do we use then?


  In 1st Timothy 1 verse 18, Timothy is being charged to "war a good warfare." Verse 19 then says "Holding faith and a good conscience..." (KJV)
  Then Hebrews 4:12 says "For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
Philippians 4:6&7 tells us to be in prayer and thanksgiving.
In Matthew 24 Jesus is talking about the things that will happen and warning the disciples but tells them in verse 13 that the one who endures to the end will be saved.
Romans 12:2 tells us not to be conformed to the world, but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. In the world, but not of it.




  After studying this, I was immediately convicted and I knew exactly why I had been struggling. I wasn't in The Word nearly as much as I should have been. I lost faith that His Word is sharper and quicker than anything I could do. I quickly remembered the day I stopped being consistent in my daily devotions and quiet time with The Lord. I hurt my knee at work a couple months back and had to go to the doctor to make sure I hadn't torn something and wouldn't have to have surgery again. I was so angry that I had gotten hurt, that when I got to the doctor and they went to weigh me, I stepped on the scale forward (I normally get on backwards) and looked at the numbers.


  It was a huge trigger. I was in an awful mood the rest of the day and have been struggling with my weight, body image, and the temptation to starve and relapse ever since. I knew I shouldn't have looked. I felt the Lord prick me as soon as I stepped on. My mom even said "Nichole, why don't you step on backwards?" To which, in my rebellious spirit, I said no.




  I let my anger control me instead of resisting the temptation to look at my weight and stay in surrender to the Lord with my Eating Disorder. I stayed angry for a while too. Instead of captivating my thoughts into the obedience of Christ like 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells me to, when I was tempted. I stopped delving into the Word of God as much; I sat there and let the devil attack me. I stopped reading my Bible every day. I stopped praying every free chance I got. I stopped studying the many things that I had been learning. 
  Don't get me wrong, I didn't quit altogether. I just wasn't walking as close to Him as I should have been. I still read and stuff, but not as much as I have been personally convicted to in order to combat the devil's schemes.




  Now, back up to 1 Timothy. Starting in verse 3 and 4, it says:
"As I urged you when I went into Macedonia, stay there in Ephesus so that you may command certain people not to teach false doctrines any longer, or to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies. Such things promote controversial speculations rather than advancing God's work- which is by faith."


  So first we see that false teaching and by believing lies/myths that we are only promoting controversy, and pretty much hindering God's work, which is what I was doing by letting the numbers on that scale control me. Which sounded really harsh to me at first, but listen to verse 5:
"The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith."
Then verse 6 and 7 are saying that some have turned away and turned to meaningless talk; that they want to teach, but don't even know what they are talking about.
After I read this, I was thinking "Okay, Lord are you trying to say you love me or that I'm just stupid and don't know what I'm talking about?"


Skipping down to verse 9 and 10b it says "We know that the law is made not for the righteous but for law breakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious...and for whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine..."
Who? Me? Never. Only sometimes...Okay, maybe a little more than sometimes... Okay, fine. More than sometimes. But only always!


So though it was humbling to me to have to admit that even in this stage of wanting to grow and become more Christ like, I'm still a law breaker; I'm still rebellious, sinful and everything else it says. I read this and was tempted to beat myself up at first, but I stopped and thought, "Wait a minute, that means this is for me. The encouragement is for me. I need this!"
  Even though the devil tries to tempt us to read the Word of God and beat ourselves up with it, we can take it and beat him over the head with it. Thank you, Satan, for reminding me again of why I have such a desperate need for my Savior, Jesus.


  Moving on, through verse 11, it says the law is also "for whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed god, which he entrusted to me."
Throughout verses 12-14 Paul was saying how he was once a blasphemer, violent man, acted in ignorance and unbelief but even still the grace of The Lord was poured out on Him abundantly, as well as faith and love.


  In verse 15 He says "here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst." (But as Levi the poet says, "I swear sometimes I think I've got that guy beat.")
He goes on to say that Jesus displays immense patience and mercy for example to those that will receive eternal life, then thanks Him.




  Now, back up to the verse I used earlier in 1 Timothy 1:18-19 telling Timothy to hold faith and a good conscience, but Paul says, "...which some have put away concerning faith have made shipwreck." (KJV)
 The NIV version of this says
"Holding onto to faith and a good conscience, which some have rejected and so have suffered ship with regard to the faith." WOAH!
  This hit me like a ton of bricks in the face. It was confirmation for me. Of course the reason I was struggling was because I rejected The Lord's convictions and let go of some of my faith. It said it right there.


  So does that mean I am no longer the warrior I feel so called to be?
Part of the definition of a warrior is someone who is engaged in warfare.
To be engaged in something is to be fully involved in an activity; it is to occupy the attention or efforts of a person. I was still involved in the warfare, but I wasn't giving it my full attention. I wasn't focused. I wasn't fully engaged.


Colossians 3:2 says "Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth."
Matthew 6:33a says "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness..."
Proverbs 4:25 says "Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee."
(All KJV)


  Those verses don't say you only have to do that sometimes, or just a little bit. No, they are full on commands, and require full on commitment and full engagement.


  But how do we know that following these commands will even help?
Well, Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." (NIV)
And Hebrews 11:6 says "But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him" (KJV)
James 1:21 says "Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls." (KJV)


God promises help when we commit ourselves to Him. He even tells us in His word that He seeks out those who are fully committed to Him.
-2 Chronicles 16:9a NIV "For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."
 What I find extremely interesting about this verse too, is that the very next part of it says "You have done a foolish thing, and from now on you will be at war."
  I was so foolish and blind. If I had read like I should have been I would have seen this. I had the answers right in front of my face and refused to accept it. Before my rebelliousness, I had been studying the Chronicles and I was in the 2nd Chronicles when I stopped reading consistently. 
 (Coincidence? I think not. Haha, I'll learn one of these days!)




  So, now I am trying my hardest to get back on track. I asked my mom recently to get some of my old Meal Plans back out and I copied them and am trying to get back into healthy eating patterns and thoughts.
The meal plan is a personal accountability thing for me, and I have been so ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone know. I have been so prideful, and haven't been staying on top of it because I didn't want anyone to see that I was struggling.
I didn't want people to know that there was still a wretched part of me. But that's why the Lord convicted me to start this blog in the first place. I am still wretched. But I am now engaged back into warfare.


  I've also decided that even though it is getting colder, I will not allow myself to wear long sleeves constantly this winter. During this time of struggle, the devil has tempted me so much with, "It's time for long sleeves...that means you can cut and hide it!" But I refuse to break the 7 months clean the Lord has gotten me through. I also plan on asking my mom and other mentors/friends for additional accountability. Writing this in general knowing some people might read this is also more accountability.


  So even though I have to say I am wretched; through Christ, I can say that


                                     Now, I'm a warrior.