Joy in the Mourning

  And the award for the most inconsistent blogger ever goes to....... meeeeee!


  I haven't posted in a really long time. A lot longer than I would like.
I've been struggling greatly, lately, and whenever I start struggling, I stop writing. I actually stop doing a lot of things that I enjoyed before.. I isolate myself more, I don't play drums, I don't sing, I don't journal, I don't get in The Word NEARLY as much, I don't thrive, I don't burn, I don't pursue my passions as I was before. 
  I actually wasn't even planning on writing right now, but I was talking to a good friend of mine and talking about how I wanted to get back into writing, but I always quit when I am not doing as well. I was telling her how I know that it is actually helpful for me to write because it takes studying, really delving into God's word and it takes a lot of prayer. And she was just encouraging me because in doing that, it is inevitably going to strengthen your relationship with Him and build your faith. It fans the flame that you've let die out some. Even if when you are initially doing it, it isn't what you want to do. As you grow in Him and learn Him more, you fall in love with Him and it becomes what you want to do.
So.... Here I am- a little resistant, hesitant, and extremely anxious.


  This is where I am supposed to be vulnerable and open up and be honest with where I am right now...and to help you get a better picture of how excited I am to do that, let me tell you.... My insertion point line has sat blinking for the past 10 minutes. :) But I guess it's just time for me to jump in..
 
  In February, I went into a treatment center for Eating Disorders and lived there for two months, before being discharged, because they saw a bigger problem under my Eating Disorder that needs to be dealt with first, (on an outpatient basis with someone who specializes in this) because it is a more pressing issue, and also what my Eating Disorder is rooted in and stemmed from. It was extremely hard leaving because I felt like I was finally about to start doing some of the real hard work and that's what is needed to help and heal, and in my head, I was being plundered of my chance to recover.
  It was explained to me that hopefully by treating the underlying issue that I used my Eating Disorder to cover up, it will rid me of my need to use my Eating Disorder, because I will be taught how to deal and heal from what is underneath it. Which is encouraging to hear, yes, but in the mean time of finding the right therapist to help me, I haven't been doing well with either of the issues. 


  Since being home, I lost my hope. Feeling hopeless depletes the will to try. So I haven't wanted to, whatsoever; I haven't seen the point in it.  Thankfully, I do have people in my life, whom, without even realizing or just with their very presence on earth, remind me of the vow I made when all of this began....
 "I am going to recover, or I am going to die trying." 


    It is extremely hard trying to will myself into trying again; but I'm hoping really getting back into God's word, where clarity and strength is always found, I will find myself thriving again.
What I have gotten back into studying and reading has already helped a little, so I want to share it, or just write for myself, if nothing else.


  I do have to state though, that this is in no way an easy thing to be writing, because I don't fully believe it yet. I know it is all true, but I don't know it. I'm writing this as I'm still trying to learn. I've read it and studied it, but I'm still trying to bind it to my heart. I've put it in there but It hasn't quite taken root yet. I'm in one of those, "declare it until it becomes true" places. Nevertheless, here we go:






   Everyone has heard the verse, "..weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalms 30:5) 
Everyone sings, "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning."  Both are true and both are encouraging.
  
  What I want to talk about though, is the joy that comes in the mourning.  I have to believe there is. Given in what the Scriptures say, there has to be.


1 Thessalonians 5:16 tells us to rejoice always; to rejoice evermore. Philippians 4:4 says to Rejoice in the Lord, always, as well.
There was no question in this, it was not a statement, or suggestion, just saying "You can and could rejoice always, maybe you should try it." It was a command. He said it plain and simple. You, be joyful, evermore.


  I have known this for a while and would constantly beat myself up because I didn't understand how I could have such deep rooted, actual-chemical-imbalance Depression, but still rejoice. I remember asking, "What am I doing wrong? The Bible says our joy is in The Lord, so why do I not have it?" 
There is actually part of a poem by Levi the Poet that says exactly what I was thinking, but couldn't put into words; it says:
  "If I could have a heart like David's, that resembled Yours, then what are the odds that Solomon's sadness would have creeped in somewhere to even score?"
 As if I could just be good enough, like David, to have joy. If I was good enough, like I am suppose to be, I wouldn't be depressed. I don't have anything to be sad about, so I am obviously doing something wrong.


  It wasn't until much later that I realized, it's not about being good enough. It's not even about getting rid of Depression and not ever being sad. It's about the joy that we have in the midst of trials and tribulations because of what an astonishing and awe-striking savior we have. 


 
  In John 15 before Jesus was crucified, He is telling the disciples to stay in His word so that their joy may be fulfilled, He tells them that the world will hate them if they love God. In chapter 16, He tells them He is about to leave and they won't see Him anymore for a while, and they will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. Jesus told them that even though He was leaving, it was for their good; for our good. He told them Himself that we don't listen to where He is going to, to know that He is going to The Father so that He may come back as our Advocate, on our behalf. Even after telling them all of this, the disciples still said "We don't understand what He is saying." (verse 18)
Jesus re-explains and the disciples say okay, we see that you know all things and you don't need us to ask question. Then Jesus says in verse 33,
  "I have told you these things, so that in me, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world!"


  He's telling us to take comfort and find peace in Him even though we will have trouble.  In Him, you find comfort and peace.
Psalms 118 and 119, were written anonymously, but the person who was writing it said he was hard pressed, the nations were surrounding him and swarming him like bees, he was a pushed back and about to fall, he was laid low in the dust and his soul was weary from sorrow.
But then, in verse 50 he says, "My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." (NIV)
   Well, I've come to see that if God says something, it's a promise. He doesn't say something that He doesn't fulfill.


So in that,
He promises us that if we stay in Him, our joy will be complete in John 15:11
He promises He will never leave nor forsake us in Deuteronomy 31:6
He promises that NOTHING can separate us from His love in Romans 8:38-39
He Promises that if we confess our sins, He will forgive us, and purify us in John 1:9
He promises that we do not have to be dismayed, for he is our God. He will strengthen us and help us; He will uphold us with His righteous right hand in Isaiah 41:10
  Lastly, the promise that preserves our life:
He promises that even though we will die, we will live; that death is not the end. -John 11:26
 
  We have comfort even in the middle of sucky situations, which is awesome, but how do I be joyful always? It's a command, meaning I have to choose to acknowledge the joy in Him and be joyful in Him, right? And this may just be me, but when it seems impossible and unthinkable to have joy and be depressed at the same time, it is REALLY hard to look for the joy or want to, because it is unattainable, so what's the point? So how do I grow the strength to see the Joy that I already have? How do I believe that it's real and tangible?


Well, James 1:2 (NIV) says "Consider it put joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials," 
Which, to me, honestly sounds impractical. BUT that's only reading that specific verse, and not reading the entire context. It doesn't end in a period, it is a comma because it isn't finished. Verse 3-4 gives us a "because"; a reason why we should consider it a joy:
"Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
  And that's not even all; there are other because's (I made up a word; deal with it)
He says that the one who perseveres under trial is blessed and that he will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.
 
  Additionally, if we go back to Psalms 119 that we were reading earlier, we see that verse 71 says "It was good for me to be afflicted that I might learn your decrees."
And similarly, Isaiah 38:17 says "Surely it is for my benefit that I suffer such anguish."
  The people whom were writing these verses were dealing with some giant, awful crap, yet they still believed there was a reason, thus still having joy even when in sorrow and anguish.
 They trusted God, and because they trusted Him, they still had joy.
Concurrent with the verses above, 
Romans 15:13 (KJV) says "Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that ye shall abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
And Psalms 33:21 (NIV) says "In Him our hearts rejoice for we trust His holy name."
 
  So even when I'm struggling and having a hard time, I can believe that Jeremiah 29:11 is truth, even for me...
 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
 If we really, truly trust that He plans for us to prosper and have a future and to have hope, we will inevitably find joy in the mourning.
 
  Just like Paul said in 2 Corinthians 7 verse 4, "I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles, my joy knows no bounds."
He goes on saying that even though they were harassed, had many conflicts and a lot of fear, God comforted them. He said his joy knew no bounds and it was because He trusted that even in mourning, God is our hope, our refuge, and strength.
  Earlier, when I mentioned Romans 15:13, I was pointing out that in trusting Him, you find joy, but along with that, the verse is pointing out that joy is only found in the God of hope.


  One of my mentors, always reminds me and quotes the verse Hebrews 12:2 to me over, and over, (like literally drilling it into my head where I don't have a choice but think about it myself. Thanks, Alisa. :P)
 It says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (NIV)
  Most of the time, when reading or hearing this verse, I think about how He doesn't give up on my faith; he perfects it. I think about how much He must love me to endure the cross, and scorn the shame, and how stupid I would be to not fix my eyes on Him when he is that amazing. What I didn't think about though, until writing this right now, that He did it for the joy set before Him, which was to be sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.
His joy is sitting at the throne.


   So, circling all the way back to John 15, in verse 19 Jesus is telling them that before long He will be leaving earth, and in verse 20 He reassures them that on that day, they will realize that He is in the Father, and we are in Him and He is in us.


  Now, in Revelations when we are getting the most clear picture of what Heaven is like, chapter 3 verse 21 says "To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on His throne."
 
  As I've learned and said in some of my other posts, we are already victorious. So that spot on the throne of God, with God, is already ours. His sitting down at the throne refers to the fact that the redemption is done; the victory is won and it is finished. Our joy is sitting at the throne.
And because we are in Him, and He in us, we are already there. We are already with Him.
  Granted, we aren't physically there, but in our spirits, we can be there.  So in Hebrews when he is saying his joy is set at the throne, and because our spirits are set at the throne, we have that joy. In more scriptures than I could count, we are told that we are held in the right hand of God and that He saves us with His mighty right hand. In His right hand is our joy.
  Because we are in Him, we have joy from God in Heaven, even in the trials and tribulations on earth.
 
  We are also told in Galatians that one of the many fruits of the spirit, is joy. The spirit is joy and the spirit is in us. It is always, always with us. There is joy in us, even in mourning, because He is joy.
So, yes, it is possible to be joyful all the while feeling down. This doesn't mean that it's easy and that I'm just completely hunky dory now and everything is great and I'm always going to be chipper and happy and bubbly. I'm still trying to make that joy actually take root in my heart. I still feel discouraged and defeated sometimes, but atleast I have the Holy Spirit in me to remind me of the truth, my joy, my Savior, and my salvation.
I think that's why Ephesians says our battles are not earthly, but spiritual against darkness. It's the constant battle between light and darkness. The battle of feeling empty and hollow, while simultaneously feeling very full and heavy.
   But still, my heart screams my war cry:  Now I'm a warrior.
I have joy in me, I'm working on finding it and discovering it more.
He, actually. I'm finding and discovering Him, more.
 I'm seeking Him, my Joy.

"Indeed, You are our glory and joy." 1 Thessalonians 2:20




                 He is our joy in the mourning.