Tuesday, August 25, 2015
This Cross is Suicide
Well helloh fam jam,
It is time for another blog post! (Finally)
There's a song by Sleeping Giant called "The Cross is Suicide". I don't ever listen to the song anymore (and I wouldn't recommend it unless you like metal) but the name of the song and the reasoning behind it has always stuck with me. I always remember it; then a month or so ago, it came up in a conversation between my best friend and I, and since then, it's been on the fore front of my mind almost constantly. I started praying about it, and studying out the Biblical truths behind it.
The first scriptures brought to mind are from Matthew 16. Before Jesus was going to be crucified on our behalf, He told His disciples in verses 24-26,
"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?"
And also, Galatians 2:20 which starts off saying, "We have been crucified with Christ."
He carried the cross to be crucified, and we are to do the same. Now, obviously that doesn't mean we are physically to take a cross and hang ourselves on it. Christ's crucifixion was not about the actual death and rising again, itself. It was for what the death and rising represented and meant. It was a symbol.
The crucifixion on the cross was a symbol of sacrifice - Christ sacrificed His life for us and our sins.
It was a symbol of atonement - Someone whom was perfect and spotless had to pay the price.
It was a symbol of redemption - With His death we receive redemption and freedom from sin. The cross was a physical symbol for us to see, and to follow. He became a symbol for us. Our picking up of our cross and following is symbolic for the releasing of ourselves and our wills, for He, who endured the symbol; and who became our symbol of redemption and freedom. Which is what that passage is saying when He talks of losing our lives and souls to gain them.
Galatians 5:24 says, "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
We, as humans, are faulty creatures; we sin out of very nature. We are born into sin. Many times when the Bible mentions our flesh, it is talking about our natural desires, which most of the time, are not what The Holy Spirit would choose- it is not what we would choose if relying on The Spirit. Our fleshly desires stand for our natural, sinful desires. Our taking up of our cross is also symbolic for the crucifixion of our flesh, which represents our sin. So we see that it means to turn from and crucify our natural wants and desires, but
What does it mean to be crucified with Christ?
Well, back to those verses. "...must deny themselves...",
"...have been crucified with Christ.", "...have crucified the flesh..."
The Greek word for "deny" is "aparneomai" which means to disown; to repudiate, invalidate, ignore, and deny the existence of flesh.
So, we deny our natural selves. Deny our natural desires and sins, our fleshly and worldly wants. Ignore them and their existence; give them no value or thought; refuse to be associated with them; abandon them.
It is the denying of oneself of a person; disassociating himself from his self-interests to serve The Higher purpose. Which probably isn't a new concept for you if you are trying to live for The Lord. What got me, though, was this:
See, many times, especially as Christ followers, we set out to do something for God, such as turning from our flesh and sin, or even to do something bigger that He has called you to, and we think it will be easy because it is for Him. We know He's there fighting for us the whole way (Exodus 14:14; Deuteronomy 3:22), that He protects us (Psalms 46:1; 2 Timothy 4:18), and doesn't leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8; Hebrews 13:5-6). We set out with our battle cry strong, our faith strong, and our hopes high. All of those things are true, and extremely encouraging. But I think everyone has noticed that as the fight goes on, you start to grow weary and you lose some of your "oomph", so to speak.
And I think this is why.
The Greek word for "crucify" is "stauroo" which means to crucify (destroy) the flesh; demolish its power utterly. It also implies that the destruction is with great pain.
We deny ourselves, yes, but in that is also the death of ourselves that we misconceive. I want to go back to some Scriptures now to reinforce all of this. First, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:31, "I face death every day- yes, just as surely as I boast about you in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Then, Romans 6:1-14:
"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead, through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin- because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again, death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; the life he lives, he lives to god.
In that same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and offer every part of yourselves to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace."
Through those verses, we perceive this "death" to be an easy task. Almost giving the connotation that this death Paul speaks of, baptism into death, and this counting of ourselves dead, is a peaceful death. Just the lying down and going without any conscious effort. We just slip into it seamlessly as we slip into sleep, or as our loved ones do sometimes slip into death in their sleep. We view this death as an immediate reviving and strengthening escape. We just...die. Nothing else to it; just the mere death without any thought otherwise.
We forget that this death is a crucifixion. An extremely painful and hard death.
It is always much harder to enforce change or change old habits, than it is to just keep doing the same things you were. Not just in the changing the habits of sin, but in everyday life things. Any journey that you embark on for the Lord is going to be FAR harder than what you were doing prior. It is ever so easy to walk into things, but oh so much harder to walk out.
My best friend, recently told me, "If you walk five miles into a forest, you can expect a five mile walk back out."
Which is such a simplistic but blunt truth. And just as we talked about after he said that; the walk back out is harder because you've already walked the first five miles. You're already tired. And most of the time, when wandering into something, (especially something that is seemingly good) we don't leave any trail behind to find our way back out. When you are first walking in, everything is beautiful, different, and interesting. It's a new territory. It's luring in that you didn't know that this "thing" ever even existed before. Exploration is always fun, at first. It's this grand adventure with no fear of it's ambiguity. But once you've seen it all, it just becomes tiring and you want to just be back, but not have to go back. You aren't positive where exactly to start either because you have not a clue how you really got to where you are.
When I first decided I actually wanted to recover from self harm, I thought it was going to be easy because I had FINALLY set my mind on it, and was determined to do it for The Lord and Him only. I was excited! I knew it was going to be hard because those things had become second nature to me. It was just a normal, daily part of life and I was going to have to drastically change everything that I knew as regular life. But I didn't fully understand just how hard it would be.
As I said before, our daily death we face is a crucifixion. It is a crucifixion we have to inflict upon ourselves.
This, then, is where the cross being suicide comes in.
I think, a lot of times, people also have the false notion that a suicide is pretty. Social media plays into it by saying how you put on your nicest clothes, write a heart felt letter, take some pills, lie down and fall "asleep" gracefully; then your loved ones will find you, with hands folded, looking beautiful and at peace. But that couldn't be further from the truth.
Suicides or suicide attempts are never pretty or peaceful. They are hard. Granted, you start off thinking that it's a good thing. You want nothing more. You know that this will be the end of trial and tribulation. You think it will be better for everyone and yourself once you are done. But once you get into it, it's even worse.
Every time I tried in the past, it was messy and terrifying... I took pills and went to bed only to wake up with the worst feeling in my stomach I'd ever had and proceeded to spend a while bent over a toilet bowl, throwing up the poison I had put in my body. Cutting was never beautiful. It was never poetic. It was morbid. It left me with an awful mess to clean up. It left me with a grief stricken sickness looking at what I had done to myself. A lot of times, you get half way through and jolt to a stop with terror; a panicking thought of "wait-I-don't-want-this-I-change-my-mind!" (Thanks be to God that it wasn't too late for me.)
Spiritual suicides are no different. It's hard. My Eating Disorder and cutting were my safe refuges, (False sense of safety in reality) they were my comfort, and my "good thing". Before recovery, I didn't see the need to stop. Why would I stop doing the very thing I thought was helping me most?
When I decided to start recovering, like I said before; I was motivated, strong and ready. I felt the power of God surrounding me. I wanted it so bad I could almost taste the freedom! But to then start denying myself of the things my flesh wanted and craved the most, was not fun. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It was the hardest battle I have fought, to this day. It was and is a brutal murdering of myself. It was a suicide of the things I wanted and thought were best.
Another thing my best friend said, was that so many times, when we go into battles for The Lord, we expect a Great Assassination. We go in anticipating a take out in the first round, because, after all, we do have THE Almighty God fighting for us and in our corner. But it isn't like that. We get faced with an arena match. It's just as strong, if not seemingly stronger than us. You get knocked down a ton of times. You feel beat up and torn down. You feel loss and smell defeat so much you almost forget the taste of victory. We do, in the end, win the war, because we do have God, but you're going to lose battles in between the ultimate win.
The hard thing about this fight too, is that you are fighting yourself- your natural self- your flesh. You have to get up and look at the parts of yourself that aren't of the Lord and commit to murder them, even when sometimes it seems like you're doing more harm than good. You look yourself in the eyes and know a violent fight is ahead.
I don't say this to discourage any of you reading this that may be going through a hard time with trying to "count yourselves as dead to sin" or just trying to do the works God has called you to. I say this to say not to give up yet. It is a suicide. But it does get better. It gets easier as the fight progresses on. You feel weaker at first, but
God promises us in Isaiah 40:31, "But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
And also returning to that passage in Romans 6:
Verse 4b- "...just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life."
Verse 5- "..we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his."
Verse 7- "any one who has died has been set free from sin."
Verse 8- "...we believe we will also live with him."
Verse 13 "...offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life..."
So while we do have to commit a suicide, we receive an eternal life. This death doesn't mean to die. We are put to death, in order to live; in order to gain life! An abundant life at that, according to John 10:10, when Jesus says that the enemy comes to steal kill and destroy, but that He comes so that we "may have life and have it abundantly."
It is a goory and horrifying suicide of the natural self, in order that The Supernatural may inhabit you.
The forgiveness you are fighting to give is a suicide. That addiction you are struggling to get free from is a suicide. The anger and bitterness you are trying to let go of is a suicide. The changing of your life for a new human to enter is a suicide. The things you are doing to further The Kingdom is a suicide. The turning of your thoughts from things that are not pure is a suicide. The giving up of your flesh's desires and passions is a suicide. The submission of your will is a suicide. The releasing of doing life in your own strength is a suicide. The finishing of school to be able to accomplish what you are called to is a suicide. The raising of children to follow The Lord is a suicide. The act of going to church when you don't want to anymore is a suicide.
It's a painful suicide. Those things are the crosses we are commanded to pick up and carry. "All should come and die, not for the symbol, but for The One who was symbolized. The cross is suicide." -Sleeping Giant
What is your cross? What is the godly suicide you need to commit?
Monday, June 8, 2015
Joy in the Mourning
And the award for the most inconsistent blogger ever goes to....... meeeeee!
I haven't posted in a really long time. A lot longer than I would like.
I've been struggling greatly, lately, and whenever I start struggling, I stop writing. I actually stop doing a lot of things that I enjoyed before.. I isolate myself more, I don't play drums, I don't sing, I don't journal, I don't get in The Word NEARLY as much, I don't thrive, I don't burn, I don't pursue my passions as I was before.
I actually wasn't even planning on writing right now, but I was talking to a good friend of mine and talking about how I wanted to get back into writing, but I always quit when I am not doing as well. I was telling her how I know that it is actually helpful for me to write because it takes studying, really delving into God's word and it takes a lot of prayer. And she was just encouraging me because in doing that, it is inevitably going to strengthen your relationship with Him and build your faith. It fans the flame that you've let die out some. Even if when you are initially doing it, it isn't what you want to do. As you grow in Him and learn Him more, you fall in love with Him and it becomes what you want to do.
So.... Here I am- a little resistant, hesitant, and extremely anxious.
This is where I am supposed to be vulnerable and open up and be honest with where I am right now...and to help you get a better picture of how excited I am to do that, let me tell you.... My insertion point line has sat blinking for the past 10 minutes. :) But I guess it's just time for me to jump in..
In February, I went into a treatment center for Eating Disorders and lived there for two months, before being discharged, because they saw a bigger problem under my Eating Disorder that needs to be dealt with first, (on an outpatient basis with someone who specializes in this) because it is a more pressing issue, and also what my Eating Disorder is rooted in and stemmed from. It was extremely hard leaving because I felt like I was finally about to start doing some of the real hard work and that's what is needed to help and heal, and in my head, I was being plundered of my chance to recover.
It was explained to me that hopefully by treating the underlying issue that I used my Eating Disorder to cover up, it will rid me of my need to use my Eating Disorder, because I will be taught how to deal and heal from what is underneath it. Which is encouraging to hear, yes, but in the mean time of finding the right therapist to help me, I haven't been doing well with either of the issues.
Since being home, I lost my hope. Feeling hopeless depletes the will to try. So I haven't wanted to, whatsoever; I haven't seen the point in it. Thankfully, I do have people in my life, whom, without even realizing or just with their very presence on earth, remind me of the vow I made when all of this began....
"I am going to recover, or I am going to die trying."
It is extremely hard trying to will myself into trying again; but I'm hoping really getting back into God's word, where clarity and strength is always found, I will find myself thriving again.
What I have gotten back into studying and reading has already helped a little, so I want to share it, or just write for myself, if nothing else.
I do have to state though, that this is in no way an easy thing to be writing, because I don't fully believe it yet. I know it is all true, but I don't know it. I'm writing this as I'm still trying to learn. I've read it and studied it, but I'm still trying to bind it to my heart. I've put it in there but It hasn't quite taken root yet. I'm in one of those, "declare it until it becomes true" places. Nevertheless, here we go:
Everyone has heard the verse, "..weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalms 30:5)
Everyone sings, "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning." Both are true and both are encouraging.
What I want to talk about though, is the joy that comes in the mourning. I have to believe there is. Given in what the Scriptures say, there has to be.
1 Thessalonians 5:16 tells us to rejoice always; to rejoice evermore. Philippians 4:4 says to Rejoice in the Lord, always, as well.
There was no question in this, it was not a statement, or suggestion, just saying "You can and could rejoice always, maybe you should try it." It was a command. He said it plain and simple. You, be joyful, evermore.
I have known this for a while and would constantly beat myself up because I didn't understand how I could have such deep rooted, actual-chemical-imbalance Depression, but still rejoice. I remember asking, "What am I doing wrong? The Bible says our joy is in The Lord, so why do I not have it?"
There is actually part of a poem by Levi the Poet that says exactly what I was thinking, but couldn't put into words; it says:
"If I could have a heart like David's, that resembled Yours, then what are the odds that Solomon's sadness would have creeped in somewhere to even score?"
As if I could just be good enough, like David, to have joy. If I was good enough, like I am suppose to be, I wouldn't be depressed. I don't have anything to be sad about, so I am obviously doing something wrong.
It wasn't until much later that I realized, it's not about being good enough. It's not even about getting rid of Depression and not ever being sad. It's about the joy that we have in the midst of trials and tribulations because of what an astonishing and awe-striking savior we have.
In John 15 before Jesus was crucified, He is telling the disciples to stay in His word so that their joy may be fulfilled, He tells them that the world will hate them if they love God. In chapter 16, He tells them He is about to leave and they won't see Him anymore for a while, and they will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. Jesus told them that even though He was leaving, it was for their good; for our good. He told them Himself that we don't listen to where He is going to, to know that He is going to The Father so that He may come back as our Advocate, on our behalf. Even after telling them all of this, the disciples still said "We don't understand what He is saying." (verse 18)
Jesus re-explains and the disciples say okay, we see that you know all things and you don't need us to ask question. Then Jesus says in verse 33,
"I have told you these things, so that in me, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world!"
He's telling us to take comfort and find peace in Him even though we will have trouble. In Him, you find comfort and peace.
Psalms 118 and 119, were written anonymously, but the person who was writing it said he was hard pressed, the nations were surrounding him and swarming him like bees, he was a pushed back and about to fall, he was laid low in the dust and his soul was weary from sorrow.
But then, in verse 50 he says, "My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." (NIV)
Well, I've come to see that if God says something, it's a promise. He doesn't say something that He doesn't fulfill.
So in that,
He promises us that if we stay in Him, our joy will be complete in John 15:11
He promises He will never leave nor forsake us in Deuteronomy 31:6
He promises that NOTHING can separate us from His love in Romans 8:38-39
He Promises that if we confess our sins, He will forgive us, and purify us in John 1:9
He promises that we do not have to be dismayed, for he is our God. He will strengthen us and help us; He will uphold us with His righteous right hand in Isaiah 41:10
Lastly, the promise that preserves our life:
He promises that even though we will die, we will live; that death is not the end. -John 11:26
We have comfort even in the middle of sucky situations, which is awesome, but how do I be joyful always? It's a command, meaning I have to choose to acknowledge the joy in Him and be joyful in Him, right? And this may just be me, but when it seems impossible and unthinkable to have joy and be depressed at the same time, it is REALLY hard to look for the joy or want to, because it is unattainable, so what's the point? So how do I grow the strength to see the Joy that I already have? How do I believe that it's real and tangible?
Well, James 1:2 (NIV) says "Consider it put joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials,"
Which, to me, honestly sounds impractical. BUT that's only reading that specific verse, and not reading the entire context. It doesn't end in a period, it is a comma because it isn't finished. Verse 3-4 gives us a "because"; a reason why we should consider it a joy:
"Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
And that's not even all; there are other because's (I made up a word; deal with it)
He says that the one who perseveres under trial is blessed and that he will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.
Additionally, if we go back to Psalms 119 that we were reading earlier, we see that verse 71 says "It was good for me to be afflicted that I might learn your decrees."
And similarly, Isaiah 38:17 says "Surely it is for my benefit that I suffer such anguish."
The people whom were writing these verses were dealing with some giant, awful crap, yet they still believed there was a reason, thus still having joy even when in sorrow and anguish.
They trusted God, and because they trusted Him, they still had joy.
Concurrent with the verses above,
Romans 15:13 (KJV) says "Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that ye shall abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
And Psalms 33:21 (NIV) says "In Him our hearts rejoice for we trust His holy name."
So even when I'm struggling and having a hard time, I can believe that Jeremiah 29:11 is truth, even for me...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
If we really, truly trust that He plans for us to prosper and have a future and to have hope, we will inevitably find joy in the mourning.
Just like Paul said in 2 Corinthians 7 verse 4, "I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles, my joy knows no bounds."
He goes on saying that even though they were harassed, had many conflicts and a lot of fear, God comforted them. He said his joy knew no bounds and it was because He trusted that even in mourning, God is our hope, our refuge, and strength.
Earlier, when I mentioned Romans 15:13, I was pointing out that in trusting Him, you find joy, but along with that, the verse is pointing out that joy is only found in the God of hope.
One of my mentors, always reminds me and quotes the verse Hebrews 12:2 to me over, and over, (like literally drilling it into my head where I don't have a choice but think about it myself. Thanks, Alisa. :P)
It says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (NIV)
Most of the time, when reading or hearing this verse, I think about how He doesn't give up on my faith; he perfects it. I think about how much He must love me to endure the cross, and scorn the shame, and how stupid I would be to not fix my eyes on Him when he is that amazing. What I didn't think about though, until writing this right now, that He did it for the joy set before Him, which was to be sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.
His joy is sitting at the throne.
So, circling all the way back to John 15, in verse 19 Jesus is telling them that before long He will be leaving earth, and in verse 20 He reassures them that on that day, they will realize that He is in the Father, and we are in Him and He is in us.
Now, in Revelations when we are getting the most clear picture of what Heaven is like, chapter 3 verse 21 says "To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on His throne."
As I've learned and said in some of my other posts, we are already victorious. So that spot on the throne of God, with God, is already ours. His sitting down at the throne refers to the fact that the redemption is done; the victory is won and it is finished. Our joy is sitting at the throne.
And because we are in Him, and He in us, we are already there. We are already with Him.
Granted, we aren't physically there, but in our spirits, we can be there. So in Hebrews when he is saying his joy is set at the throne, and because our spirits are set at the throne, we have that joy. In more scriptures than I could count, we are told that we are held in the right hand of God and that He saves us with His mighty right hand. In His right hand is our joy.
Because we are in Him, we have joy from God in Heaven, even in the trials and tribulations on earth.
We are also told in Galatians that one of the many fruits of the spirit, is joy. The spirit is joy and the spirit is in us. It is always, always with us. There is joy in us, even in mourning, because He is joy.
So, yes, it is possible to be joyful all the while feeling down. This doesn't mean that it's easy and that I'm just completely hunky dory now and everything is great and I'm always going to be chipper and happy and bubbly. I'm still trying to make that joy actually take root in my heart. I still feel discouraged and defeated sometimes, but atleast I have the Holy Spirit in me to remind me of the truth, my joy, my Savior, and my salvation.
I think that's why Ephesians says our battles are not earthly, but spiritual against darkness. It's the constant battle between light and darkness. The battle of feeling empty and hollow, while simultaneously feeling very full and heavy.
But still, my heart screams my war cry: Now I'm a warrior.
I have joy in me, I'm working on finding it and discovering it more.
He, actually. I'm finding and discovering Him, more.
I'm seeking Him, my Joy.
"Indeed, You are our glory and joy." 1 Thessalonians 2:20
He is our joy in the mourning.
I haven't posted in a really long time. A lot longer than I would like.
I've been struggling greatly, lately, and whenever I start struggling, I stop writing. I actually stop doing a lot of things that I enjoyed before.. I isolate myself more, I don't play drums, I don't sing, I don't journal, I don't get in The Word NEARLY as much, I don't thrive, I don't burn, I don't pursue my passions as I was before.
I actually wasn't even planning on writing right now, but I was talking to a good friend of mine and talking about how I wanted to get back into writing, but I always quit when I am not doing as well. I was telling her how I know that it is actually helpful for me to write because it takes studying, really delving into God's word and it takes a lot of prayer. And she was just encouraging me because in doing that, it is inevitably going to strengthen your relationship with Him and build your faith. It fans the flame that you've let die out some. Even if when you are initially doing it, it isn't what you want to do. As you grow in Him and learn Him more, you fall in love with Him and it becomes what you want to do.
So.... Here I am- a little resistant, hesitant, and extremely anxious.
This is where I am supposed to be vulnerable and open up and be honest with where I am right now...and to help you get a better picture of how excited I am to do that, let me tell you.... My insertion point line has sat blinking for the past 10 minutes. :) But I guess it's just time for me to jump in..
In February, I went into a treatment center for Eating Disorders and lived there for two months, before being discharged, because they saw a bigger problem under my Eating Disorder that needs to be dealt with first, (on an outpatient basis with someone who specializes in this) because it is a more pressing issue, and also what my Eating Disorder is rooted in and stemmed from. It was extremely hard leaving because I felt like I was finally about to start doing some of the real hard work and that's what is needed to help and heal, and in my head, I was being plundered of my chance to recover.
It was explained to me that hopefully by treating the underlying issue that I used my Eating Disorder to cover up, it will rid me of my need to use my Eating Disorder, because I will be taught how to deal and heal from what is underneath it. Which is encouraging to hear, yes, but in the mean time of finding the right therapist to help me, I haven't been doing well with either of the issues.
Since being home, I lost my hope. Feeling hopeless depletes the will to try. So I haven't wanted to, whatsoever; I haven't seen the point in it. Thankfully, I do have people in my life, whom, without even realizing or just with their very presence on earth, remind me of the vow I made when all of this began....
"I am going to recover, or I am going to die trying."
It is extremely hard trying to will myself into trying again; but I'm hoping really getting back into God's word, where clarity and strength is always found, I will find myself thriving again.
What I have gotten back into studying and reading has already helped a little, so I want to share it, or just write for myself, if nothing else.
I do have to state though, that this is in no way an easy thing to be writing, because I don't fully believe it yet. I know it is all true, but I don't know it. I'm writing this as I'm still trying to learn. I've read it and studied it, but I'm still trying to bind it to my heart. I've put it in there but It hasn't quite taken root yet. I'm in one of those, "declare it until it becomes true" places. Nevertheless, here we go:
Everyone has heard the verse, "..weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalms 30:5)
Everyone sings, "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning." Both are true and both are encouraging.
What I want to talk about though, is the joy that comes in the mourning. I have to believe there is. Given in what the Scriptures say, there has to be.
1 Thessalonians 5:16 tells us to rejoice always; to rejoice evermore. Philippians 4:4 says to Rejoice in the Lord, always, as well.
There was no question in this, it was not a statement, or suggestion, just saying "You can and could rejoice always, maybe you should try it." It was a command. He said it plain and simple. You, be joyful, evermore.
I have known this for a while and would constantly beat myself up because I didn't understand how I could have such deep rooted, actual-chemical-imbalance Depression, but still rejoice. I remember asking, "What am I doing wrong? The Bible says our joy is in The Lord, so why do I not have it?"
There is actually part of a poem by Levi the Poet that says exactly what I was thinking, but couldn't put into words; it says:
"If I could have a heart like David's, that resembled Yours, then what are the odds that Solomon's sadness would have creeped in somewhere to even score?"
As if I could just be good enough, like David, to have joy. If I was good enough, like I am suppose to be, I wouldn't be depressed. I don't have anything to be sad about, so I am obviously doing something wrong.
It wasn't until much later that I realized, it's not about being good enough. It's not even about getting rid of Depression and not ever being sad. It's about the joy that we have in the midst of trials and tribulations because of what an astonishing and awe-striking savior we have.
In John 15 before Jesus was crucified, He is telling the disciples to stay in His word so that their joy may be fulfilled, He tells them that the world will hate them if they love God. In chapter 16, He tells them He is about to leave and they won't see Him anymore for a while, and they will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. Jesus told them that even though He was leaving, it was for their good; for our good. He told them Himself that we don't listen to where He is going to, to know that He is going to The Father so that He may come back as our Advocate, on our behalf. Even after telling them all of this, the disciples still said "We don't understand what He is saying." (verse 18)
Jesus re-explains and the disciples say okay, we see that you know all things and you don't need us to ask question. Then Jesus says in verse 33,
"I have told you these things, so that in me, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world!"
He's telling us to take comfort and find peace in Him even though we will have trouble. In Him, you find comfort and peace.
Psalms 118 and 119, were written anonymously, but the person who was writing it said he was hard pressed, the nations were surrounding him and swarming him like bees, he was a pushed back and about to fall, he was laid low in the dust and his soul was weary from sorrow.
But then, in verse 50 he says, "My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." (NIV)
Well, I've come to see that if God says something, it's a promise. He doesn't say something that He doesn't fulfill.
So in that,
He promises us that if we stay in Him, our joy will be complete in John 15:11
He promises He will never leave nor forsake us in Deuteronomy 31:6
He promises that NOTHING can separate us from His love in Romans 8:38-39
He Promises that if we confess our sins, He will forgive us, and purify us in John 1:9
He promises that we do not have to be dismayed, for he is our God. He will strengthen us and help us; He will uphold us with His righteous right hand in Isaiah 41:10
Lastly, the promise that preserves our life:
He promises that even though we will die, we will live; that death is not the end. -John 11:26
We have comfort even in the middle of sucky situations, which is awesome, but how do I be joyful always? It's a command, meaning I have to choose to acknowledge the joy in Him and be joyful in Him, right? And this may just be me, but when it seems impossible and unthinkable to have joy and be depressed at the same time, it is REALLY hard to look for the joy or want to, because it is unattainable, so what's the point? So how do I grow the strength to see the Joy that I already have? How do I believe that it's real and tangible?
Well, James 1:2 (NIV) says "Consider it put joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials,"
Which, to me, honestly sounds impractical. BUT that's only reading that specific verse, and not reading the entire context. It doesn't end in a period, it is a comma because it isn't finished. Verse 3-4 gives us a "because"; a reason why we should consider it a joy:
"Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
And that's not even all; there are other because's (I made up a word; deal with it)
He says that the one who perseveres under trial is blessed and that he will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.
Additionally, if we go back to Psalms 119 that we were reading earlier, we see that verse 71 says "It was good for me to be afflicted that I might learn your decrees."
And similarly, Isaiah 38:17 says "Surely it is for my benefit that I suffer such anguish."
The people whom were writing these verses were dealing with some giant, awful crap, yet they still believed there was a reason, thus still having joy even when in sorrow and anguish.
They trusted God, and because they trusted Him, they still had joy.
Concurrent with the verses above,
Romans 15:13 (KJV) says "Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that ye shall abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
And Psalms 33:21 (NIV) says "In Him our hearts rejoice for we trust His holy name."
So even when I'm struggling and having a hard time, I can believe that Jeremiah 29:11 is truth, even for me...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
If we really, truly trust that He plans for us to prosper and have a future and to have hope, we will inevitably find joy in the mourning.
Just like Paul said in 2 Corinthians 7 verse 4, "I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles, my joy knows no bounds."
He goes on saying that even though they were harassed, had many conflicts and a lot of fear, God comforted them. He said his joy knew no bounds and it was because He trusted that even in mourning, God is our hope, our refuge, and strength.
Earlier, when I mentioned Romans 15:13, I was pointing out that in trusting Him, you find joy, but along with that, the verse is pointing out that joy is only found in the God of hope.
One of my mentors, always reminds me and quotes the verse Hebrews 12:2 to me over, and over, (like literally drilling it into my head where I don't have a choice but think about it myself. Thanks, Alisa. :P)
It says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (NIV)
Most of the time, when reading or hearing this verse, I think about how He doesn't give up on my faith; he perfects it. I think about how much He must love me to endure the cross, and scorn the shame, and how stupid I would be to not fix my eyes on Him when he is that amazing. What I didn't think about though, until writing this right now, that He did it for the joy set before Him, which was to be sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.
His joy is sitting at the throne.
So, circling all the way back to John 15, in verse 19 Jesus is telling them that before long He will be leaving earth, and in verse 20 He reassures them that on that day, they will realize that He is in the Father, and we are in Him and He is in us.
Now, in Revelations when we are getting the most clear picture of what Heaven is like, chapter 3 verse 21 says "To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on His throne."
As I've learned and said in some of my other posts, we are already victorious. So that spot on the throne of God, with God, is already ours. His sitting down at the throne refers to the fact that the redemption is done; the victory is won and it is finished. Our joy is sitting at the throne.
And because we are in Him, and He in us, we are already there. We are already with Him.
Granted, we aren't physically there, but in our spirits, we can be there. So in Hebrews when he is saying his joy is set at the throne, and because our spirits are set at the throne, we have that joy. In more scriptures than I could count, we are told that we are held in the right hand of God and that He saves us with His mighty right hand. In His right hand is our joy.
Because we are in Him, we have joy from God in Heaven, even in the trials and tribulations on earth.
We are also told in Galatians that one of the many fruits of the spirit, is joy. The spirit is joy and the spirit is in us. It is always, always with us. There is joy in us, even in mourning, because He is joy.
So, yes, it is possible to be joyful all the while feeling down. This doesn't mean that it's easy and that I'm just completely hunky dory now and everything is great and I'm always going to be chipper and happy and bubbly. I'm still trying to make that joy actually take root in my heart. I still feel discouraged and defeated sometimes, but atleast I have the Holy Spirit in me to remind me of the truth, my joy, my Savior, and my salvation.
I think that's why Ephesians says our battles are not earthly, but spiritual against darkness. It's the constant battle between light and darkness. The battle of feeling empty and hollow, while simultaneously feeling very full and heavy.
But still, my heart screams my war cry: Now I'm a warrior.
I have joy in me, I'm working on finding it and discovering it more.
He, actually. I'm finding and discovering Him, more.
I'm seeking Him, my Joy.
"Indeed, You are our glory and joy." 1 Thessalonians 2:20
He is our joy in the mourning.
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